A Calvinist Rewrite of Scripture

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"There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.  And of course, this means we are so totally and completely terrible inside that it's impossible for us to even think about wanting God in our lives, and we definitely cannot seek Him or believe in Him unless and until He causes us to (and He will only cause "the elect" to)."  (Romans 3:10-11)

"God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him - but, of course, remember that it's impossible for us to seek Him, reach for Him, or find Him unless and until He causes us to (and He will only cause "the elect" to) - though He is not far from each one of us who are predestined to be saved, but He'll always be out of reach for those predestined to hell." (Acts 17:27)

"Seek the Lord while He may be found; call on Him while He is near.  But remember that it's impossible to seek Him or call on Him unless and until He causes you to (and He will only cause "the elect" to), and so all you can really do is sit around and wait to see if God causes you to seek Him.  If He does, then you'll know you're one of the elect, but if He doesn't then you aren't, and there's nothing you could do about it anyway." (Isaiah 55:6)

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him - which will, of course, be only the prechosen "elect" whom He causes to come to Him; no one else is allowed to come to Him because Jesus didn't die for them because God wants them to burn in hell for all of eternity (but it's for His glory, so it makes it okay) - must believe that He exists (of course they "must" believe - God will force them to; they have no choice) and that He rewards the elect whom He causes to earnestly seek Him." (Heb. 11:6)

"They perish because God caused them to refuse the truth and so be saved - because He predestined them to hell, for His glory."  (1 Thess. 2:10)

"For since the creation of the world, God's invisible qualities - His eternal power and divine nature - have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.  And so even though God prevents the non-elect from believing in Him, even though He causes them to reject Him because He predestined them to hell for His glory, that's still no excuse for not believing.  And so when they stand before God in the end and He asks "Why didn't you believe in Me?", and they reply "Because You caused me to not believe, because you predestined me to hell, because Jesus didn't die for my sins," God will say 'That's no excuse!  Go to hell; you deserve it.'" (Romans 1:20)

"For God so loved the elect that He gave His one and only Son for the elect that the elect would believe in Him and not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send His Son into the world for the non-elect, but to save only the elect through Him.  The elect will believe in Him and not be condemned, but the non-elect will not believe in Him and will be condemned because God caused them to not believe in His one and only Son.  (But don't worry, you non-elect people, God still loves you too.  It's just that He shows His love to you not by saving you like He does the elect, but by giving you food and water and sunshine while you're alive on earth, before He sends you to eternal hell to punish you for being the unbelievers He caused you to be.  But it's for His glory, so it's okay.)" (John 3:16-18)


I'm just sayin'.  (And this is just a taste of Calvinism's rewrites.)

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