Giggle Translate #18: Yes, I am a Christian, but...

Here's the original stuff I wrote on my blogs (and then I'll Giggle Translate it):

Yes, I am a rock-solid Christian, but sometimes I just want to do bad things.  I want to say bad words and watch bad movies and listen to bad music and drink bad things and be all mean and cranky toward annoying people.

But what I usually end up doing is just watching my 80’s movies, listening to my 80’s music really loudly, drinking no more than an ounce-and-a-half of mildly-alcoholic hard cider (because I really don’t like alcohol ... honestly, I drink no more than one bottle of hard cider a year!), muttering bad words under my breath, and telling my husband all of the whip-smart, snarky things I wanted to tell others but didn’t think of till it was too late.

And it’s a good thing that I don’t think of all the smart-mouthed things until it’s too late or else I might end up saying them out loud.  Because while I am a buttoned-up, walk-the-line, stoic, straight-arrow kind of person for the most part, I do have a really snarky and sarcastic side.  I enjoy off-the-wall, slightly improper, and semi-disrespectful kinds of things (not disrespectful toward God but toward mankind and life things in general).  I can’t stand political correctness.  (Not the good political correctness, but the annoying, overly-picky kind of political correctness.)  I love to go against the mainstream “herd mentality.”  And I would love to rattle nerves and “stick it to people” if I had the guts and wasn’t so concerned with being nice.

[See, kids!  Mommy’s human, too.  Even though I want to do bad things sometimes, I choose to do the right and proper things (most times) and treat others the way I want to be treated, no matter how much they “deserve” it.]

But my snarky-ness does come out in the metal signs I have around my house.  Signs that say things such as:

“Do I look like the maid to you?”

“I've got Crabby Mommy powers.  Don't make me use them!”

“Some people spread joy . . . I can't stand those kinds of people.”  (I love this one because of the ironic-ness of it.  You see, I love to spread joy.  I am one of those people.  And yet sometimes, it’s hard to be the “joy spreader” when you feel so blue inside.  Sometimes, I hate the phoniness of “joy spreaders” and just wish we could all get more real with each other.)

The next one I want says something like: “Sorry, kids, but Mommy's tired.  Go play in the street.”

What I love most about many of these signs is that they have pictures of the perfect 1950’s mom/wife alongside these snarky sayings.  I love it! The oxymoronic-ness of it.  The ideal, proper woman with a dark streak!  A beautiful rose bush with nasty thorns!

But I do wonder what my super gentle, sugary-sweet friends might think.  Or what my pastor would think if he came to our house and saw my sign that says something like “Believe it or not, I don’t give a sh…”  Actually, I taped a piece of paper over the last word so that it now reads, “Believe it or not, I don’t give a fig!”  (Honestly, that’s how I feel much of the time lately.  And sometimes, when I care too much about something, it's how I should feel.)

I also have a fridge magnet of Ralphie from Christmas Story (Best Christmas movie ever!) with a bar of soap in his mouth and the famous line about how he didn't really say "Fudge."

Maybe my pastor or more “proper” friends would be offended to see even hints of bad words posted around my house.  I don’t know.  But I love this magnet because I see humanity in it.  We all end up sitting on a stool with a bar of soap in our mouth at some time or other because we all make fugdey little messes of our lives in different ways.  So we should all have compassion on someone else when they mess up because someday it will be our turn.  I guess the magnet reminds me of that.  That we are all human and we will all mess up.  That it’s okay and we should all be a little more gracious!  And that the person sucking on the bar of soap is more important than the bad word they said!  I really do like this magnet, and not just because I mutter “Oh fudge!” under my breath too much.  (Only I'm not usually saying “fudge.”  Hey, I'm not saying I'm proud of it or that it's acceptable.  I'm just being honest.)

And now the Giggle Translate version, after running it through several languages on Google Translate:

So, now, I just want to say I am a Christian Church, is true, and that he would do injury.  I like saying bad things and watching bad movies, listening to music and drinking bad things that are ugly and ugly and uncomfortable.

But I often see pictures of '80s, I listen to a lot of '80s music, I don't drink more than one and a half per cent of low water consumption (because I don't like alcohol. In fact, you do not drink the water of laughter a pound of energy a year!) blasphemy and tell my husband of the cruel and disgusting things I say to others just what I thought was the last time.

And I'm fine not thinking of all the experts until then, if I can't stop talking too much.  While I am a big, hard-working, controversial and easy-going guy, this is a very strange and ironic side to me.  I see things that are unrealistic, trivial or irresistible (not to God, but to people and things in the larger life).  I pushed for political justice.  (Political fairness is not good, but political science is provocative and popular.)  I like to fight for the most important "conspiracy theory".

[The kids are watching!  Mom was a man.  While I love doing bad things sometimes, I choose to do good and good things (mostly) and treat people the way I want them to, no matter how "lucky".]

But my vision is on the metal walls all around my house.  Words that say things like:

"Am I like a girl?"

"I have a clock to be a shy mother.  Don't click me!"

"Some people show happiness ... I don't stick to them." (I'm in love with this man because of the irony.  You see, I like to spread the joy.  I'm one of them.  But it's difficult to be that I have a diffuser, if you feel blue in your heart.  Sometimes I like to use Joy Diffusers and hopefully it all makes more sense together.)

And then there is one thing that you want, "I'm tired of mum. Playing field."

What I find interesting about many of these versions is that they contain images of the good mother/wife of the 1960s and some of the bad words.  I love it!  is Decree.  Alright, beautiful woman in black dress!  Turnip plant beautiful bad!

But I am proud of the opinion of my dear friends and dear friends.  And what is her teacher's reason when she comes to our house when she sees my sign saying "Don't believe it or I don't care ..."  I put the last word on the paper, so saying, maybe I'm not a kid!  (Honestly, I met that one last time)  And sometimes I feel like I think too much.

I also have a Christmas story of Ralphie fridge (the best Christmas movie ever!) with a moving box in my mouth and a famous phrase about not telling Fudge.

My pastor may have been upset or "normal" if they saw evidence of bad words in my house.  I do not understand.  But I like this visualization because I know the person there.  We all sit with our breasts in our mouths at one time or another because we make nuts, we spend a lot of our lives in different ways.  So, we will regret for each other the best of things, because one day it will be our turn.  I think the manager will remember that.  We are human beings and want to destroy everything.  All is well and we are in good spirits!  And those who raise lame are more important than the good word they say!  I don't want this power just because I'm angry "And, fiction!" it was too much in my breath. ("Fiction doesn't always say that."  Well, I don't mean to be proud or not.  I am fine.)

My reply to this:

Wow, there's a lot of things I could comment on here:

"In fact, you do not drink the water of laughter a pound of energy a year!" [What?]

"I like to fight for the most important "conspiracy theory."  [Interesting how Google Translate got this from "I love to go against the mainstream 'herd mentality.'”  There's got to be an important point in there somewhere, maybe something like this: Social media and the controlling-powers-that-be want us all to be part of the mainstream herd, all thinking the same way (the way they want us to think), and if we go against them or think outside their box then they're gonna call us "conspiracy theorists."  But I'm just spitballing.]

"Mom was a man...."  [Uhhh...]

"Turnip plant beautiful bad."  [I don't know why but I love the sound of this.]

"A moving box in my mouth." [Gross]

"We are human beings and want to destroy everything."  [Interesting.  Scary.]

"We all sit with our breasts in our mouths at one time or another because we make nuts..."  [What the heck!?!  I mean seriously, what the heck?]

But I do love the idea of a "Joy Diffuser".  Where can I get one?

And the one I think is most on-the-mark: "And sometimes I feel like I think too much."

Wow!  Google Translate knows me so well, it's spooky!

And it reminds me of the line in the Twenty One Pilots song, "Ride", that my kids (and I) have been listening to: "I've been thinking too much (help me)."

I understand that completely.  And it's something I've been working on for a long time because of all the anxiety it causes.  And I do believe the singer from Twenty One Pilots also suffers from anxiety, so it makes sense that I would relate to this.  "I've been thinking too much (help me)."

And on a different note, now that I think about it, the original post I wrote (before Google Translating it) reminds me a lot of my favorite Audio Adrenaline song, "Man of God," about how all of us are human, even Christians.  Sometimes we do things right, sometimes we do things wrong.  Sometimes we help things, sometimes we make a mess of things.  We're all in the same "being human" boat.  We're all sinners in need of a Savior.  As the saying goes: Christians aren't perfect, we're just forgiven.

And that forgiveness is available to everyone.

The question is: Do you want it?

(See my posts "Starting your own relationship with Jesus" or "Becoming a Christian")