Hardest Spiritual Lesson #7: Accepting Love and Forgiveness
Another lesson that's really hard for many of us: Letting Yourself Be Loved or Forgiven (note: there's a bonus section at the end of this post).
Not everyone will face this lesson, but those with broken pasts will know what I’m talking about. One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn in my spiritual life (and in my earthly life) is to let myself be loved by someone ... by Someone.
I come from a very dysfunctional home. Three dads by the time I was 8. And then another dad (after a very messy divorce) when I was in my late-20's/early-30’s. I didn’t grow up with my bio-dad or his family. I didn’t even really meet them until my teens. And then after that, I’d see them about once or twice a year, sometimes less. I never really felt like I belonged to a dad or had a place in my extended families (or that my mom was an emotionally-safe person, so I never went to her for encouragement or leaned on her for emotional support - EVER!).
And this feeling carried over to my relationship with God.
I didn’t know it earlier in my Christian life, but my relationship with Him was based on fear, not on love. I desperately wanted to and tried to please Him because I never really felt like I belonged, like He could really love me for me. I was always afraid of “doing it wrong,” of being displeasing to Him. I felt like I had to earn His love and acceptance and grace. I didn’t know how to let myself be loved by God for a long time because I didn’t understand the unconditional nature of it. I was so busy trying to earn His love that I simply couldn't accept it as the free gift it is.
Forgiveness - grace - is the same way for many people. It’s hard for some of us to grasp the most amazing thing about grace – that it’s free. There are people who will remain unbelievers because they won't admit that they need or want God’s grace or because they cannot imagine accepting a free gift. It’s a blow to their pride. They'd rather earn everything they get - and admitting that we can’t earn grace and love and forgiveness is very humbling.
But then there are believers who will remain in bondage to fears about being “not good enough,” about displeasing the Lord. They can’t accept the free gift of forgiveness because they don’t feel like they deserve it (or maybe they just don’t think they need it)... and so they spend their lives polishing themselves up, accomplishing more, and behaving properly to try to earn it (often feeling bad about themselves the whole time)... and eventually, they might simply “give up” in exhaustion and stop caring, because it's just too hard, too discouraging, too hopeless.
Many of us who come from broken pasts have to work through fears and scars and self-esteem issues and the other obstacles that prevent us from allowing ourselves to be loved and cherished and forgiven. And this is not easy to do, not when you’ve grown up learning to protect yourself from being vulnerable, from having to lean on others, and from taking risks with your heart and your trust.
It is so hard to trust when you’ve been hurt in the past. But a major part of a healthy relationship with the Lord, with being able to accept His free gifts, and with letting Him fully into your heart and life, is to be able to trust that He is who He says He is – a good, loving, faithful Father. And that we are who He says we are – sinful, fallen people, but also His dearly loved creation that He desperately wants to have a relationship with and to spend eternity with.
And that’s why He makes forgiveness and love and salvation free ... because He wants us to take it. That’s why He paid the penalty for our sins by sending Jesus to die in our place, because He wants us to have an eternal relationship with Him. He wants us to have a healed heart and the peace and joy that come with letting Him into our broken lives.
But we have to be willing to open our hearts to Him in trust. We have to take the risk of leaning on Him and of being vulnerable with Him. We have to admit that we can never earn His free gifts and that we will never be “good enough” ... but that doesn’t stop Him from dearly loving us anyway.
And until we accept that His love and forgiveness can never be earned, we will always be in bondage to some sort of fear, and our relationship with Him will be strained... because we cannot truly experience God’s love or forgiveness when we are so busy running around trying to earn them. Because they cannot be earned! In fact, the very idea of needing to "deserve" it negates the free and unconditional nature of it.
It’s like we run around, trying to do more or be better, and then we run up to God and say, “Am I good enough now for Your love and forgiveness?”
And God says, “No, but ...”
And before He can finish, we run out and try harder and do more.
“Am I good enough now?”
“No, but ...”
"Now?"
“No, but ...”
"How 'bout now?"
“No, but ...”
And it isn’t until we are so tired of trying so hard that we finally fall down at His feet in despair and admit that we will never be good enough. And it’s only then, when we are exhausted enough by our striving and efforts, that we are finally hear what God’s been trying to say:
“No, but you can never earn it anyway. I knew that all along, and I was just waiting for you to realize it. It can’t be earned. But that’s why I made it free and readily available. I already paved the way and paid the price, so that you don't have to. All you have to do is accept it.”
Romans 6:23: “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Emphasis is mine.)
Ephesians 2:8-9: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.” [The gift here is not the idea of faith - it's not that God decides who gets faith and who doesn't - but the gift is the whole idea of salvation by grace through faith, and it's offered to all people, for anyone to accept.]
In and of ourselves, we do not deserve His love or forgiveness or favor or attention or whatever. And we will never be able to deserve them or earn them - because it's not about deserving or earning them. Because it doesn't rest on us and our efforts. It rests on God, on His desire and initiative to offer us what we could never earn or deserve on our own.
1 John 4:19: “We love because He first loved us.”
We don't have to do more or be better to become a Christian, to be forgiven and loved. We just have to stop fighting God's attempt to forgive us and love us. We have to stop holding the door shut on Him, and to simply let it open, let Him in.
I think Satan loves to convince people that they have to earn these free gifts, because then he keeps them busy trying to do more and be better. If he can keep us focused on our efforts or our “helpless condition,” we won't focus on God or be able to accept the love and forgiveness that's freely available - because we'll be wasting our time desperately working for it. And as long as we keep working for it, we'll never get it.
But Satan is defeated every time a person stops striving so hard and just opens their hands and accepts God’s free gifts - gifts that are freely available to all, but that are only acquired by those who know they don't deserve them, but who simply, humbly, thankfully accept them anyway.
So how do you know if you have trust issues and self-esteem issues that might prevent you from letting God’s love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, and healing into your heart and mind completely?
You may have issues that are preventing you from humbly grabbing ahold of God’s love and forgiveness ...
if you come from a broken, dysfunctional family or been abused or neglected ...
if you’ve been through a huge trial or trauma and feel like God abandoned you in your time of need ...
if you’ve trusted significant people in your life only to have them pull away and let you fall on your face ...
if you struggle with fears about being abandoned or “not good enough” or unworthy or being a failure ...
if you are constantly trying and trying, and yet feel like you are letting God down all the time ...
if you ruminate on all the “bad” things about yourself ...
if you are critical and judgmental and negative ...
if you feel like you just don’t matter ...
if you deeply fear being a burden to others ...
if you always try to “earn your keep” ...
if you “don’t care anymore” about being loved because you’ve been hurt too much in the past ...
if you’ve always tried excessively hard to please others, even God (If good behavior/efforts are not done out of thankfulness for His love and grace, then they might be done out of a desire to earn His attention, approval, and love or out of fear of His wrath and displeasure.) ...
if you’re proud and have always done well, aimed high, accomplished much, had significant roles, been in powerful/superior positions, etc. (When you think you're special and better than everyone else, it's hard to admit that you're a sinner just like them and in need of a Savior, too. When you're used to “earning” and feel like you deserve what you want/get, it’s hard to simply accept what's free and to humbly admit that you can't earn it.) ...
if you've learned to be “content” with only a little relationship with others because they’ve been unavailable or let you down. (This may indicate that you're also accepting a partial relationship with the Lord, that you're settling for just a little bit of Him, just enough to get by. Maybe it's because you're afraid that if you're "all in" - if you open your heart up to Him fully and lean hard on Him and trust Him completely - He'll let you down, drop you flat on your face, and you'll get hurt. And so you settle for a surface relationship with Him because then you're not as vulnerable and don't risk getting hurt as much. It hurts less when you don't care that much or try too hard, doesn't it?)
I’m sure there are other indicators of obstacles in our relationship with God, of an inability to trust Him and let Him love you and forgive you. And to get past these obstacles usually involves some introspection and thought and prayer and Bible-reading, and possibly counseling. (I wrote the “Through the Refining Fire” series to help people explore their pasts and any obstacles there may be in their relationship with the Lord. This may be a good place to start.)
But the healing and freedom and peace and joy (even in the midst of ongoing problems of life) that you find when you allow yourself to be fully loved by and forgiven by God is amazing.
So don't settle for a broken, partial relationship with Him. Don't hide behind walls and fears. Don't keep your broken heart wrapped up and safely tucked away from Him and everyone else.
1 John 4:15-18: “If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that he sent his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
John 10:10: "Jesus said, ‘The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; but I have come that [you] may have life, and have it to the full.’"
If you feel you might be blocking His love and forgiveness and healing in any way, tell this to Him and ask His help in rooting out the source of your resistance and fears and doubts. Tell Him honestly what you're afraid of and what hurts and how you feel about yourself and Him. Ask Him to show you the areas of your heart that you've closed off and prevented Him from entering.
Ask Him to show you how He sees you, how much He loves you. Tell Him that although you have nothing else to offer Him but your brokenness and hurting heart, you need Him anyway - and so you're opening up your heart right now to Him, even if you're still scared or doubtful or feel bad.
Tell Him that you're done fighting Him, done holding the door shut, and that you're opening yourself up right now to His love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy. Tell Him that although you're scared and know that the faith-journey might be hard, you're gonna trust Him and His Truth more than your own feelings and that you know you'll be okay because He's gonna be by your side the whole way.
Be real and raw and vulnerable with Him. Reach for Him. Embrace Him and His truth and His free gifts. And see what happens.
