Some Calvinism Satire

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Most Popular Posts of the Week:

List of Calvinist Preachers, Authors, Theologians, Websites, etc.

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I  found a lot more names to add to my list of known Calvinists (found in my various  "How to Tell if a Church, Pastor, or Website is Calvinist"  posts).  But instead of adding this huge list to all those posts, I am going to put it here, and I'll just provide a link on those posts to this one.  [FYI: I added a note at the bottom of this post on May 5, 2021.] So here it is, a "master list" of known Calvinists to help you be careful and discerning about who you listen to and where you get your theology from.  There are plenty more Calvinists out there, but these are just the names that I ran across the most.   These are either definite, self-professed Calvinists or "most likely Calvinist," in my estimation.  (I haven't heard of most of them, but it's good to know their theology before I do.)   After finding these names in various places online, I looked up each person to see if they are Calvinist.  If they did not self-identify ...
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Maybe The Kiddies Should Visit "Drag Queen Story Hour"?

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Maybe we should let our small, innocent, impressionable children pop their heads into a "Drag Queen Story Hour" to see what it's all about. Because this freak-of-nature would scare the crap out of anyone.  And then - after seeing that - the terrified children would grow up wanting nothing to do with trans-gender-ness!   (However, the question then is what to do about the years of nightmares and how to afford the costly therapy!) Honestly, parents ... Is that who you want teaching your kids about morality?  About their bodies and sexuality and all that?   If you parents can't see what's wrong with that, I bet your kids can! And I, too, applaud the parents who are taking a stand against that!  Where have our brains gone that we ever even got to the point of allowing that in our public libraries!?!  Around the innocent children!?! Shame, shame, shame!
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Turn it up even LOUDER!

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(Just for fun, slipped in between the spiritual warfare posts, and a week earlier than normal.)  You know those songs that you always have to play as loud as possible, and even louder if you could? I've got some of those.  [To name only five, there's  Numb from U2 and  Chlorine,   Downstairs,   Choker , and Jumpsuit from Twenty One Pilots, my newest musical addiction.]    And the only place I can play them as loud as I want is when I'm driving alone in the car.  That's MY time.  An introvert's dream vacation.  I can play my music as loud as I want and sing along... and there's no one to interrupt or complain. Which reminds me: You parents know what we're supposed to do when kids complain about our music, right? Yeah, that's right: TURN IT UP EVEN LOUDER! The ironic part is that they used to complain about me singing "Ice, Ice, Baby" which I know every word of, but now my 3rd son knows every word and sings along too...  ... an...
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Spiritual Warfare: Sword of the Spirit 3 (songs/sermons)

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Before I get to the list of my "sword of the Spirit" verses, here's a list I shared with my struggling family member  of some of my favorite songs to get through the hard times, the ones that encourage me and make me cry in a good way, in a needed way.  (Sometimes anxiety is a sign that we need a good, long cry.) When you have no energy left to even pray, let the worship songs from other people be your prayers: From The City Harmonic:  "Oh, What Love" ,  "Fell Apart" ,   "Honestly" ,  "Praise the Lord" ,  "Love, Heal Me,"   "My God,"  and  "Here and There."   ( Their music is what kept me from giving up completely when I was at my lowest.  Let their words be your prayers, your heart's cry, when you have no words of your own left.)   From  Tenth Avenue North:  "Worn" ,  "Hold My Heart" ,   "By Your Side" , and  "Healing Begins" .      From  Jeremy Riddle:  ...
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Spiritual Warfare: Sword of the Spirit 2 (the bedrock)

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It was hard to watch my family member struggle through her deep emotional pain (see previous post ), and I couldn't really do anything to stop her difficult trial or make it all better for her, especially since the battle was mostly in her head.  And I know what that's like: Anxiety is a bully who doesn't play by the rules.  Unfair, unruly, and aggressive.  Running roughshod over you, your mind, your life. I couldn't fix it for her because she was in a battle she was forced to fight herself.  But I could at least try to encourage her by letting her know that I understood, that I got through something similar and that I know she can too... but that she has to want to get through it, to fight it and not give in.  She has to refuse to succumb to the Enemy's lies and destructive tactics. And to help her do this, I shared with her one of the things that helped me get through my hardest times: My "sword of the Spirit," my own personal list of favorite verses tha...
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UGW #7: But God Already Knows Our Needs

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Understanding God's Will #7: But what about the verses that talk about how God knows what we need before we ask, like  Matthew 6:8  and  Matthew 6:32 ?    Doesn’t this show that we don’t really need to pray for His care, because He’ll care for us anyway, since He knows our needs?             God knows what we need, and He can read our thoughts.    (All the more reason to make sure that we set our minds on things above and not on impure, ungodly things.)    But once again, it doesn’t say that He responds to our thoughts or that He gives us what we need just because He knows we need it.    We can choose to live apart from God, in self-sufficiency.    We can choose to live life sitting back, putting our feet up and saying, “Ok, God, bring on the blessings... Look how well He takes care of me!”    We can choose to think like Calvinists do, that God's already planned out everything ...
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Sleeping On My Sword

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“Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil.   After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry.   The tempter came to him and said, ‘If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.’ Jesus answered, ‘It is written: ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’’ Then the devil took him to the holy city . . . ‘If you are the Son of God,’ he said, ‘throw yourself down.   For it is written: ‘He will command his angels concerning you and they will lift you up . . .’’ Jesus answered him, ‘It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’’ Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor.   ‘All this I will give you,’ he said, ‘if you will bow down and worship me.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Away from me, Satan!   For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him onl...
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Calvinist Hogwash #4 (hell and justice)

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I think that Calvinists who deny double predestination are fooling themselves.  To not choose someone for heaven is to choose them for hell, especially if those are the only two options and if God created them to be exactly who they are for certain reasons (which He didn't, except in Calvinism).   Instead of just admitting that Calvi-god predestines people for hell, Calvinists soften or obscure it as much as possible to make it seem less harsh, less deliberate, than it is: "God passes over people... He just lets them be the sinners they already are... He leaves them to themselves... He doesn't force them to reject Him, He just doesn't give them saving faith..."  (I wonder if they'd try so much to soften it if they thought themselves one of the non-elect.)   It's  really just haggling over terminology because it all amounts to the same thing: I n Calvinism, God predetermined that the non-elect would be who they are and do what they do, and He made sure ...
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As evil as it gets: Calvinism on babies and the unreached

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[A.k.a: Snippets to Ponder, part 4 (#20-21).  This is such a long "snippet" - too many horrific quotes, couldn't resist adding them - that I decided to just make it a whole post.  (I might eventually break this up into smaller posts.)  Topics in this post: Calvinism, babies, and unreached people. Click here for snippets  part 1 ,  part 2 , and  part 3  on my other blog.] #20:   Calvinist comments about babies   [ buckle up, hang on tight, and have a barf-bag ready] : About the suffering and abuse of babies and children:   [ And remember that these are not my words.  These are Calvinist's  own words , and so you can see that we are not misrepresenting them or putting words in their mouths.  This is hard stuff to read.  Really hard.  But you need to read it.  To know that they really do teach this garbage.  (And "garbage" is the nice word.  I was gonna use a stronger one.  Oh, yes, I was!...
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