Spiritual Warfare: Satan's Schemes #9 (bitterness, unforgiveness)
This is the next-to-last of the "Satan's Schemes" posts in the Spiritual Warfare series (and it's a repost from something I wrote elsewhere)... and then I'll move on.
John 10:10: "Jesus said, ‘The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy...'"
To steal our peace, joy, and contentment. To kill our hopes, passion, and Christian witness. And to destroy our friendships, family, faith, and futures. Among many other things.
And I think one of Satan's biggest tools for this is the snare of unforgiveness and bitterness. If he can get us to focus on - and constantly ruminate on - all our hurts, all the ways we’ve been cheated in life, the ways people let us down or treated us poorly, the ways God let us down, the ways we let ourselves down, all the things that've gone wrong, etc., then we'll grow more and more bitter, discouraged, defeated, and closed-off... and farther and farther from God, His truth, other people, and any hope for more or better.
Bitterness is a poison that slowly destroys us: our relationships, our emotional health, our faith, and even our physical well-being. It ensures that our futures are as troubled as we think our pasts were, depriving us of joy, peace, contentment, effective Christian witness, and the kind of relationships with God and others that we were meant to have. (And the ripples of it all will reach into eternity, affecting the rewards we will get - or not get - when we reach heaven and hear "Well done, good and faithful servant.")
But God wants more for us. He wants us to have abundant life and joy in Him - not just in eternity but here on earth too, as much as possible, even if life is hard and the joy has to be found in the pain.
John 10:10: "Jesus said, ‘The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; but I have come that [you] may have life, and have it to the full.’"
Neh. 8:10: "... Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
Forgiveness is, I believe, a spiritual issue above all. A spiritual weapon, if you will. And I think God makes such a big deal out of it because He knows that it's best not only for His glory, His kingdom, and other people... but it's best for us, too. For our healing. Our growth. Our hearts, lives, and faith.
Bitterness and unforgiveness hurt us more than those we want to punish. And as long as we continue to hold on to it, it continues to hurt us. And so we can't have the abundant life God wants for us - the peace, joy, healing, and contentment we want and need - unless and until we forgive and let go of bitterness, trusting Him to handle our grievances for us.
Refusing to Forgive:
There are many reasons we might refuse to forgive someone. The wrong they did was too great. The pain is too much. We don't want to let them off the hook; we want to see justice done. We can only see the situation from our side, refusing to see it from theirs. We unconsciously enjoy holding something against them, a reason to get back at them. We're taking things too personally, things we shouldn't be. We like pity parties and the sympathy it brings us. We've only witnessed unforgiveness and grudge-holding as we grew up, and so we don't know how to forgive or what it really means. We like the position of power it puts us in. We want the self-protection it provides against future hurts. Etc.
But whatever the reason, forgiveness is something God commands us to do. And it isn't even really about other people, those who've hurt us. It's about us and our relationship with God.
Refusing to forgive others shows how little we understand God's forgiveness of us and our trespasses against Him (and others), how little we appreciate what Jesus went through for us so that we could be forgiven, and how little we trust Him to justly handle the wrongs that were done to us, to protect us in the future, and to work things out for our good.
And it shows how little we have embraced God's mercy, grace, forgiveness, and love for ourselves - whether it's because we think too little of ourselves (our heart is so broken and our self-esteem so shattered that we feel too worthless, too "unworthy" of it)... or if it's because we think too much of ourselves (we feel so special, so perfect, like we're doing so well on our own that we don't need it; others might need it, but we're doing just fine).
Refusing to forgive others is more about us than those who hurt us, more about our relationship with God than our relationship with others.
Whatever the reason, unforgiveness is a sin. And unconfessed sin interferes in our relationship with God. It puts up a wall between us and Him, and it can even affect whether or not God hears our prayers:
Psalm 66:18: “... If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened”
And the longer we harbor grudges and bitterness, the farther we drift from God and His Will and His protective hand, the deeper we step into Enemy territory, the more vulnerable we become to the attacks and schemes of the Devil, the more numb we grow to the guidance and nudges of the Holy Spirit, the more desensitized we get to our sins and waywardness, the more self-justified we feel in doing whatever we want, and the more bad consequences we create in our earthly and eternal lives.
This is why it's so important to keep short accounts with God, to regularly search our hearts (ask God to search our hearts) for anything we might need to confess or correct.
Psalm 4:4: “... when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.”
Psalm 139:23-24: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Psalm 26:2-3: “Test me, O Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth.”
Psalm 51:17: “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”
It’s all about our heart attitude, about humbling ourselves before a holy, merciful, gracious, forgiving God. It's about understanding our trespasses against Him and yet how much He loves us, forgives us, and extends to us grace and mercy, compassion and healing. And when we begin to really understand and grasp His grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love toward us, we can begin to show it to others too. Not by our own power, but by His. And maybe not even for our own sake, but for His and for others.
[The next step in your faith journey may be to examine and work through whatever might be hindering your relationship with the Lord, preventing you from accepting and living in His love. For those who like to journal and answer thoughtful, self-reflective questions, here' a "workbook-type" guide to help you do this, see "Through the Refining Fire: Your 'Sweetly Broken' Journey".
Or simply start by asking God - in prayer and by immersing yourself in His Word - to reveal to you whatever you need to work on next in your relationship with Him and with others. And then watch and listen for His answer. Read for it in Scripture. And whatever He tells you to do next, do it - because when we refuse to obey God in something He's told us, we start drifting from Him, taking steps away from Him, moving farther from His Will and His protective hand, and He may not tell us anything more until we first do the thing that He already told us to do.
(If you feel that God's been very distant and silent for a while, ask Him if there's anything you've refused to obey Him in. That may be where the break occurred. And then confess it and ask what He wants you to do about it now. And then do it.)]
Part of the journey:
Somewhere along the path to a whole, humble, genuine, trusting relationship with Him, all serious God-seekers may be forced to face and deal with the bitter issues that we hold deep in our hearts – our heartaches, fears, resentments, doubts, etc. - to examine and deal with the ways others hurt us, the ways we hurt others, the ways we hurt ourselves, the guilt and shame we punish ourselves with, any resentment or distrust we might have towards God because of what's happened in our lives, and any bad thoughts or feelings we're afraid that He might have about us (these are almost always in our heads, stemming from our own fears and feelings about ourselves, and not something He really does think or feel about us).
And as we examine our hearts, as issues come to the surface, we'll have a decision to make: Continue to hold onto these hurts, fears, resentments, and bitterness ... or place them fully into God’s hands and grab onto Him instead.
We can't hold onto an armload of bitterness and hold onto God too. We have to choose.
And I know this isn't easy. These moments of decision can be incredibly difficult and painful because they often hit upon the scars, wounds, and broken parts of our hearts and souls that we've tried so hard to keep wrapped up, hidden, and safe for so long. They threaten the ways we seek to protect ourselves from future hurt and the things we gain from holding grudges: self-righteousness, judgment-rights, pity, sympathy, a sense of superiority, excuses for revenge, etc.
Choosing to forgive, to let go of bitterness, often involves feeling vulnerable all over again, maybe even feeling violated, mistreated, or at-risk all over again. It often means letting go of the control that we hold onto tightly, the control that makes us feel safe, like we're protecting ourselves from being hurt again. It means trusting the God's got it, that He'll do what's right and best on our behalf, that He'll deal justly with those who hurt us, that He won't let us down. And this can be scary.
I understand:
I'll be very honest here. I've been struggling with faith, with prayer, for about 8 years now. I mean, I still have faith, of course. And I still pray, of course, but I've lost enthusiasm for it. (I know we don't have to be excited to do it. We just need to do it anyway, regardless of how we feel.) It feels like going through the motions, like it's not doing much of anything anyway, like God just keeps saying 'no,' so why put too much hope or effort into it? (I know that's a lie from Satan, just what he wants us to think.)
In spite of my prayers and pouring out my heart to God, trial after trial and tragedy after tragedy has piled up, one after the next - and it knocked me flat on my back (literally sometimes, unable to get out of bed), not knowing how to pray anymore, what to ask for, how to go forward, not even wanting to hope anymore. It felt like every time one thing got fixed or I praised God for something going right, it somehow fell apart or something else went wrong. So why bother wanting anything to get better?
And so for years now, I've lived in a state of fear and anxiety (extreme terror-level when it's at its worst), always bracing myself for the next punch in the gut. It's been really hard to feel any kind of optimism for the future or to feel like my prayers are helping at all.
I remember one of the last things that kinda wrecked my enthusiasm to pray or get excited about God answering prayer: For many years, my husband has been incredibly stressed at work, desperately needing another capable man to help carry the load. The stress and workload had been destroying him for years, and I prayed and prayed for God to send someone to help.
Finally, after years, a man was hired who was phenomenal, a fantastic worker. "He's like getting three helpers in one," my husband said. And for the first time in many years, my husband would come home smiling, relieved, like work wasn't crushing the life out of him. And I was praising God for it, thanking Him for answering my prayers abundantly.
But then about three months later, this co-worker was headed home after work on his motorcycle, two miles from work, five in the afternoon, when a drunk driver slammed into him and killed him instantly, widowing his wife and leaving his three very young children orphans.
What do you do with something like this? How could I not feel a little responsible for it? I prayed for him. I thanked God for him. He was an answer to prayer, a huge blessing to my family, and we were praising God because of it. Did I bring him to Satan's attention, making him a target? Did Satan attack him as an attack on us? Two for the price of one? That was one of the last things in a long line of things that led to my struggle with prayer, with not knowing anymore what to pray for, how to pray, what we should need or want, or how to praise God for an answer without thinking it will be taken away, etc. (I said I'd be very honest.)
It's been a rough journey. Life, faith, prayer, the struggles, the losses, the pain, the instability. And it's caused me to completely lose my sense of self, to feel like I've disintegrated as a person, to fall apart over the smallest things, to nearly lose my sanity to anxiety and fear, and to lose any desire to hope for more, set goals, celebrate anything, want anything, etc.
I've been working on getting some of this back, but some days I just feel like a fraction of the person I used to be, like a human-painted shell with nothing inside, like my brain is broken, and like I've only got enough energy and hope to exist - to merely exist one day to the next, thankful that I got through the last one, steeling myself for the next one, always waiting for the next storm, never able to really relax and enjoy the blessings.
And so please understand that I know what it feels like to want to give up, to resign myself to bitterness, hopelessness, and defeat. I know how terrifying it feels when your mind and emotions become your biggest enemies. I know how hard it is to keep the faith in the midst of loneliness, despair, and extreme pain and anxiety, to feel like God is still there and He still cares and everything is going to be okay (whatever "okay" is.). I know what it's like to keep trying really hard - in the midst of disappointment after disappointment and loss after loss - to keep trusting that He has us in His hands, that He'll take care of us and our concerns, that He'll guide us and has good plans for us and will bless us if we faithfully follow and obey Him, and that He will work everything out for good (even though we might not see the results of our faithfulness and obedience until eternity).
I know what it feels like.
I mean, I know that God is good and I trust that He's got it all in His hands, but ... some days I just don't know how to go forward in life or in faith anymore (I barely know how to be human anymore), other than just clinging to Him, taking a day at a time.
Don't misunderstand me: I've got many blessings, many things I thank God for. I know He's blessed us in so many ways and that many others have it so much worse. I know how to count my blessings. I've learned how to force my attention back to the good things instead of dwelling on the bad (even if I fail at it a lot), to run to God when I'm hurting and afraid, to mine the depths of Scripture to draw near to Him, to praise Him even in the pain. (A favorite quote of mine, one I have hanging on my wall: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain.")
But this is not how I dreamed life would go. And these have been very hard lessons to learn. Hard-won lessons (which probably make them much more valuable, because they came at such a high cost).
It's been hard. Really hard. But I'm trying. Always trying.
Anyway, just recently I was trying to figure out why this has been so hard for me (other than my terrible fear of getting hit with more tragedies - I barely made it through the last ones intact). Why is prayer so hard now?
And just the other day I realized that it boils down to this: I'm afraid not just of more tragedies and being unable to make it through more tragedies... but I'm afraid of being let down by God. Life and family and church have let me down so much that I couldn't bear it if God let me down too.
If I poured out my heart to Him and shared my desperate needs with Him and allowed myself to dream again and fell back into His arms in faith and trust and hope again, would He say 'no' and let me fall? Because that would be devastating. Sometimes it feels like it's better to never hope or dream or want anything ever again than to risk watching your hopes be dashed to pieces before your eyes again, to feel the rug pulled out from under you again, to find yourself falling into a pit of despair and hopelessness again.
Sometimes, you'd rather just cradle in your hands whatever pieces you have left than risk reaching for more and being let down, being devastated, again.
I've had to struggle very deeply over many years with my views of God and faith and life. But that's okay. That's part of life. (It helps to remember that this life isn't all there is, that the best is yet to come.)
And even though I'm struggling - even though I don't have answers for all my questions or resolutions of all my doubts, or know how to go forward some days, or even know what to pray for anymore - I'm doing my best to struggle with God by my side, instead of doing it on my own.
Because despite all that's gone on, I trust Him. I really do. I trust Him more than anything else in this world. I've learned how unstable everything else in life is, how we can't put our faith, hopes, or dreams in anything else in this nasty, unstable, dysfunctional world - and so I plant my feet on Him, on His Word, even when I don't understand why He does what He does or allows what He allows. It's been a long journey, but I'm clinging. And learning. Learning to praise in the pain, to dance in the rain. And that's good enough for now.
My hope and dream - above all that I desire in this world (which isn't much anymore) - is to finish my race well, with my eyes firmly on Jesus, for His glory, and to someday hear those glorious words that will usher in eternal rest, peace, and joy: "Well done, good and faithful servant." (See "I just want to finish well.")
Through it all, these two prayers have become my favorite prayers, the ones I fall back on again and again. (I call them prayers, even if they're technically not). This is where I land when my world falls apart and everything gets shaken, when the bottom drops out and I hit rock-bottom again:
Mark 9:24: "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"
John 6:68-69: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that You are the Holy One of God."
At the very end of it all, I keep coming back to "I still believe, Lord, but help my faltering faith! I trust You, but help me in the times I don't. And besides, to whom else would I go anyway? I know You well enough to know You are there, You are real, You are good, and You care, even when life doesn't feel like it sometimes." And that's enough to get me through.
I've known God long enough and been through enough with Him that I could never walk away from Him now just because life is hard. I know that He is real, that the spirit world and spiritual warfare are real. (I thank God for the demonic harassment I went through about 15 years ago. Ironically, and looking back now, it was the best faith-builder/sustainer I've ever had. And I might very well have lost faith in all these past trials if it weren't for that.)
And I know that in this messy world full of problems, He is the only answer that makes any sense to me, even if life doesn't make sense. I've explored the other faiths, and they offer nothing to me, nothing worth having in the end. And atheism is, well, the most ridiculous option of all, the most hopeless, and so it's not even worth considering. (Also see "A Little Girl's Nonsensical Sign.")
To me, it's Jesus or nothing.
And so when I feel like I can't fall back on anything or anyone else in life, I know that I can fall back on Him. (Who else would I turn to anyway?) And just because I can't see the ways He holds me up or just because I don't get the answers I want doesn't mean He's letting me down. It just means that I can only see right now from my tiny earthbound perspective. But someday, in eternity, I will understand. Someday, I'll be able to see the ways He carried me and protected me, and why He answered my prayers the way He did, and the beauty He created from the mess, the masterpiece He created from the broken pieces... and I'll be able to thank Him for doing it His way, not mine.
This life is messy, painful, and broken... and faith can be a confusing, difficult, ongoing struggle... but He is holding us up, He will get us through, He knows why He answers the way He does (and if we know Him as a good, loving God, then we can trust Him), and the best is yet to come.
And until then, I will cling to Him, until I see His face, enter His rest, and hear "Well done, good and faithful servant."
Trust me when I say that I understand how hard it is.
I understand. I've been there before. You're going to be okay.
Forgive:
Anyway, back to the point of this post. All of this is to say that I understand how difficult life can be, how much life and others can hurt us, how much we might not understand God's ways, how much we fear trusting Him sometimes, how much temptation there is to grow bitter, and how desperately we need to dwell in and abide by His truth, His Word, to get us through.
Life wants to tear us down. And Satan definitely wants to tear us down. But through the struggle and pain, God wants to build us up. He wants complete healing and growth and wholeness for us (which, in this lifetime, is a journey, not a destination, something we'll experience only as a process on this earth, but in fullness in eternity).
And part of the journey to get the life God wants for us - what we're considering in this post - is to root out and overcome the obstacles of bitterness and unforgiveness in our hearts. To work through the pain, the hurts, the fears, and to give them over to God. To learn to praise and trust God anyway, even when life is so disappointing. So that He can heal our hurts and help us go forward in faith, trusting that He's got it all in His hands and will work things out for our good - if we let Him and if we do things His way.
Forgiveness and letting go of bitterness may be the biggest spiritual battles some of us will ever face: forgiving others, seeking forgiveness from others and God, forgiving ourselves, accepting God's forgiveness, and "forgiving" God and learning to trust Him no matter what.
[I'm not saying that God wronged us in a way that needs forgiving, but it can feel like it sometimes. Some of us have lost our health, loved ones, jobs, homes, security, innocence, etc., and we struggle with wondering how a good, loving God could allow (or we might think "cause") this to happen to us. And we become unforgiving and bitter toward Him, as though He failed us.
But it's not God who's letting us down or failing us; it's our ideas of Him that are the problem, that are messing up our heart, mind, and faith. And life is hard enough without holding unfair grudges against God.
If this is where you're at in life right now, spend some time with God and the Bible, asking Him to help you examine and correct your expectations of Him, faith, and life, to help you get them more in line with His truth and His Word (particularly if you're a Calvinist who believes God preplans, "ordains," causes, and controls all things, even sin and evil, maybe starting with my post: "Understanding God's Will").
And once again, if you're interested, see "Through the Refining Fire: Your 'Sweetly Broken' Journey" to help you explore what you think about Him and why and how you may need to correct it.]
Battle Plan:
The best way to tackle bitterness and unforgiveness is with God - with prayer and His Word - which should always be what we go to first. But before I focus on those two things, let's get out of the way a few general tips (some things I've learned) about dealing with the issues of forgiveness, bitterness, and difficult times.
1. Talk to God daily, all throughout your day. And always be honest with Him - respectfully honest - about what you're thinking and feeling. He can't heal what you won't give to Him. So don't try to polish it all up nice and shiny and polite, just be honest, real, raw. He knows it all already anyway, but He's waiting for you to share it honestly, openly, vulnerably, to invite Him into your heart and circumstances so that He can heal you, comfort you, and guide you. (You might like the posts "Is Depression a Sin?" and "Wrestling with God" and "Just Keep Falling".)
2. Spend time in His Word daily. Keep a soft heart for God's truth and commands and the convictions of the Holy Spirit. Get your life and desires and expectations in line with Scripture. And obey Him, even when you don't want to. This might be hard to do sometimes, but life will go so much better if you do these things daily.
3. Confess whatever needs to be confessed as soon as possible. The longer you resist it and hide your sin or bad heart attitudes (or refuse to see it as sin), the further you drift from God, the more numb you grow to the Holy Spirit's conviction and nudges, and the more bad consequences you create.
4. Ask God to help you see the good that's come from the pain. Write it down. Thank Him out loud for it. And ask Him to help you find a way to use your pain to help others, to turn it for good. Sometimes, especially when you can't do anything to take your own hurts away, the best thing you can do is use them to help someone else. [That's part of the reason my blogs even exist, using my pain and struggles to hopefully help others.]
5. When you're having really hard days - and even when, especially when, you don't feel like doing it - tell God (before you even get out of bed) "Thank You for another day." [Watch and memorize this adorable, charming, simple song (you'll be glad you did) and then sing it throughout the day: It's a Beautiful Day.]
6. When you're struggling with prayer or find yourself going over your frustrations, fears, doubts, or anxieties with Him over and over again, try saying "I trust You" out loud instead, even when you don't feel like trusting Him.
7. Sing, even when you don't want to. When you least feel like singing is when you need to the most.
8. When you're anxious or fearful or disturbed in any way, recite these verses out loud: 2 Tim. 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." And Isaiah 26:3: “You will keep in perfect peace he whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” [This is how spiritual warfare is done. According to the original language, the "sword of the Spirit" (Eph. 6:17) is the spoken Word of God.] And then tell God that you are taking Him up on His promise of peace when we trust in Him, that you are trading Him your anxiety, fear, frustrations, worry, etc. for His peace and joy, and that you will now leave your concerns or pain in His hands for Him to deal with, to worry about for you.
9. If you feel like you're experiencing demonic harassment, you - as a believer, covered by the blood of Jesus - have the right to command demons to leave in the name of Jesus Christ. Some of the emotional/faith struggles we face are not just from our own heads. Sometimes, it's a spiritual attack. Spiritual warfare. So at the very least, learn to say out loud, "In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you demons to leave." [Here's my experience with demonic harassment, about how and why I learned to take this seriously.]
10. Start a running list of all the blessings God has given you - all the things you're thankful you have, that you take for granted - and then thank Him out loud for them.
11. Listen to worship music, a lot. It's amazing the impact music has on your soul. [Another great song to memorize: "Lord, I Need You". And my all-time favorite Christian band, the one I always turn to for encouragement or for when I don't have the words to pray, is The City Harmonic. Find links to some of my favorite songs of theirs in my "When Anxiety Strikes" Playlist.]
12. Watch some great, encouraging Christian movies, such as War Room (I've been watching this one a lot, trying to rebuild my prayer life) and Facing the Giants (see my post on that movie here: "I Will Love You... Always"). And my two favorites: Jesus Revolution and Do You Believe?
13. For more posts that might help or encourage, see my posts "26 Tips for dealing with depression or anxiety" ... or "Getting through the broken times" ... or "Help for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts"... or my Bible study post on "Forgiveness".
14. Even if you don't feel like it - especially if you don't feel like it - tell God out loud in prayer, "Lord, I forgive name the person for name the offense. I don't really want to forgive them, and I'm still very angry. But help my feelings to get in line with my faithful obedience. I will not hold this offense against them anymore, but I will leave it in Your hands now and trust You to deal with it. In Jesus's name, Amen."
[And before you get the wrong idea, forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook or letting them get away with what they've done or forcing yourself to act like you trust them now or are happy with them now. And it's definitely not letting your guard down around them or taking down any boundaries you've put up if being on guard and having boundaries is necessary. Even with forgiveness, there are still consequences to things we do and things people do to us, and those consequences won't necessarily go away just because we forgive them.
Forgiveness simply means that you won't continue to punish them - in your heart or in relationship with them - for what's been done, that you'll give it over to the Lord and let Him dish out any necessary justice in His way and time. Even if you forgive, you still might need to have some boundaries with that person - or stay away from them entirely - and there may still be consequences to what they've done that you can't change. But in your heart, you hand it over to God to deal with as He sees fit, freeing yourself from the burden of continuing to hold it against them.
"But it's too hard to forgive," you say. "I can't do it."
Well, God knows that. He knows it's hard for us to do on our own. He knows it doesn't come easily or naturally to us, that we're often unwilling to do it on our own. That's why He has to instruct us to do it and why He'll give us the strength to do it.
When we find it hard to forgive (others, ourselves, God, or life in general), ask for God’s help in doing it. He will help us do what we cannot do on our own. And remember that we don't have to feel like forgiving in order to forgive. It's not about our feelings; it's about deciding to let go of our right to continue punishing the other person. Phil. 4:13: “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."]
15. When thinking of what you need to forgive others for, ask God to examine your heart to see if you played any part in what happened, if you contributed to it in any way, if there's anything you can and should apologize for yourself. Sometimes, the way to "Father, forgive them" is to first go through "Father, forgive me."
16. If you can (and if it would be wise to) tell the person you forgive them. Or if this person is no longer around or it's harmful to contact them, then maybe just write it in a letter (even if you don't send it) or just say it out loud, between you and God only.
17. Ask God to help you let go of the pain and to turn it into something good. Ask Him to give you a softer heart for the person who hurt you, to help you see them the way He does. And begin praying for them (if they're still alive), whatever God lays on your heart to pray. It's hard to hate or hold grudges against people you're praying for.
18. Watch some good sermons on forgiveness and healing. From Charles Stanley: "Healing our hurts" and "Forgiveness: the key to letting go" and "The Forgiving Father". From Tony Evans: "Forgiveness is a decision" (1-minute clip) and "When the enemy tries to distract you from God's plan" and "The key to your reversal" and "Unleashing the power or provision, pardon, and protection" (13-minute clip). And here's a touching sermon from Willow Creek Church: Can we be angry?
19. You might also like these two short, sweet, real-life testimonies related to forgiveness that I just found: "Jim Carrey: Shocking Faith Testimony 'Suffering leads to salvation'" (5.5 minutes long) and "Comedian Rob Schneider discovers Jesus, forgiveness: 'I needed...to be home" (17.5 minutes long - Well said, Rob!). And here's a bit more about Rob's journey, including two great comments he posted.
And now for the most important parts...
Everything should start with prayer (which we covered a bit in the tips above) and God's Word. Whatever happens in life, prayer should always be our first go-to... and everything should be measured against God's Word, in line with God's Word.
Prayer:
If we don't pray, then we are choosing to tackle life by itself, on our own, in our own dim wisdom and wimpy strength... and it won't go well for us in the battle against much stronger evil forces or temptations or fears or whatever.
We need to be deliberately, consciously including God in our lives, our requests, our circumstances - seeking His guidance, leaning on His strength and wisdom and Word, confessing sins, relying on Jesus's name, expressing gratitude, etc.
We can't assume that God will always work His Will in our lives or guide us or help us if we are not actively seeking Him in prayer and in His Word or living obediently. If we want to wander around on our own, not praying, assuming that everything will work out fine, then He'll let us do that.
Read Joshua 7 to see what can happen when we don't inquire of the Lord. In other situations, Joshua inquired of the Lord before acting, but not in this. God didn't warn Joshua because Joshua didn't ask for His wisdom. Joshua chose to push ahead on his own, to make the decisions that seemed best to him, without asking God His opinion. And God let him. God let him ignore Him, make decisions in his own wisdom, and step away from His Will and His protective hand... and He let him face the consequences of it, consequences Joshua wouldn't have had if only he would have inquired of the Lord first and foremost.
[For more about this, here's my Bible Study post on Prayer. And if you're a Calvinist then you probably don't correctly understand or engage in prayer the way we should be - because you've wrongly been taught that God controls everything and that everything that happens is God's Will. Prayer, in Calvinism, is basically little more than a formality or a way to show God you're dependent on Him. But, O dear brothers and sisters in the Lord, it's so much more than that! And you can't be effective in it if you don't understand what it is and why it matters. For more on the issue of prayer in relation to Calvinism, see "Prayer Matters".]
And so regarding the topic of this post - unforgiveness and bitterness - start by praying and asking God to reveal if there is any sin or heart attitude that you need to deal with or ask forgiveness for or anyone you need to forgive.
Psalm 51:10: “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”
Psalm 139:23-24: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Specifically, ask God ...
Is there anyone I need to forgive?
Is there any grudge I need to let go of?
Is there any wrong done to me that I need to place in Your hands, giving it to You to deal with, to avenge?
Is there any heartbreak I haven’t dealt with yet, any hurt that You want me to let You heal?
Is there anyone I need to seek forgiveness from?
Is there any wrong I've done that I need to make right?
Is there any area I'm not trusting You in or are refusing to obey You in (or refused at an earlier time)?
Is there any room of my heart that I've closed off to You, any obstacle in my relationship with You that needs to be addressed?
Is there anything I'm beating myself up about, that I need to accept Your forgiveness for and forgive myself for?
Is there anything I haven't "forgiven" You for, anything I'm angry with You about that we need to talk about? [Pray that He helps you see it from His perspective.]
Is there anything I've failed to thank You for or be grateful for?
What is the next step You want me to take?
God knows what you need to do. Ask Him. He'll tell you. And then listen for His answer (search His Word for it too) and watch for the doors He opens as you go forward in faith and trust, praying for the strength and wisdom to do what He tells you to do. Your relationship with Him and others will not be all that it can be if there is unconfessed sin in your heart, particularly unforgiveness or bitterness.
I know this is difficult. It hurts to dredge up and face some of the things we've buried deep in our hearts, the things we've tried so hard not to see or deal with. But unforgiveness, bitterness, and unconfessed sin will only continue to hurt you, and at a very deep level. You might be able to ignore it for a little while, but it will eventually erode your faith, joy, peace, and relationships, with God and others and even yourself.
Pray and ask God how to go forward, what your next step is. Ask for His help and strength to do it. And if it still hurts and it's too difficult and you're still angry and you don't really feel like forgiving, tell Him that too. Tell Him your feelings, thoughts, fears, doubts, pain, etc. Pour it all out honestly so that He can help you begin to heal and overcome it.
And then when you get to the point where you've asked all your questions, aired all your grievances, expressed all your doubts, vented all your feelings, and put everything into the Lord's hands, it's time to go forward - to resolutely set your will on walking forward in trust and obedience (even if life is still messy and you don't understand and don't like it and don't want to), to do what you know He's asking you to do, trusting that He will help you do it and will grow your faith through it and that you can cling to Him in the midst of the mess and pain and unanswered questions.
When it comes to obeying God, we don't have to like, we just have to do it. And as we do it, with His strength, we'll see God work in our lives and in our hearts, doing for us what we couldn't do on our own. And it will grow our faith and trust in Him.
God's Word:
I am a firm believer that God's Word is not just our Truest Truth, our best guide in life, and God's heart poured out to us, but it's also one of our greatest weapons against evil. Read it, memorize it, live by it, turn it into prayers, and speak it out loud (the "sword of the Spirit") when you're under attack.
I'm not going to tell you about how to interpret or apply God's Word here. I'm going to let God speak to you Himself from His Word. Here are some verses about forgiveness and bitterness specifically (and about how to go forward in faith and trust). Pray and ask God to speak to your heart about any verse that you need to meditate on, act on, or apply to your life somehow (and ask God how He wants you to do that):
On forgiving others:
Matthew 6:14-15: “'Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.'... For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” [Unforgiveness doesn't take our salvation away; it creates a break in our relationship with God until we confess and obey.]
Mark 11:25: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
Matthew 18:21-22: "The Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive me brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, ' I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
John 14:21: “Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me.”
Luke 17:3-4: "... 'If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him.'"
Colossians 3:12-13: "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Ephesians 4:30-32: "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God.... Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Matthew 5:7,9: "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy...Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God."
On how we should treat others, even "enemies"
Matthew 5:44 (KJV): “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you, and persecute you.”
Romans 12:14,17-21: “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse… Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is Mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
James 4:11-12: "Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you - who are you to judge your neighbor?"
Matthew 7:1-5: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Matthew 5:38-41: "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you... If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles." [According to the original language, the "turn the other cheek" part is not about submitting to physical violence. It's about not returning insult for insult, not getting offended by something someone says or does and responding in the same way. It's not about submitting to physical abuse. And even if it was, I like this one story I heard which goes something like this: A Christian man was in a verbal altercation with another guy when the other guy punched him in the face. The Christian man just stood there, and so the guy punched him on the other side of the face. That's when the Christian took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves, and got ready to physically defend himself. "But I thought you were a Christian and couldn't fight back," the puncher said. "Well," the Christian said, "the Lord told me that if someone hits me on one cheek, I should turn to him the other one, which I already did. But He gave me no further instructions than that." 😄]
Matthew 5:11-12: "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven..."
1 Peter 3:14-16: “But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. ‘Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.’ But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior may be ashamed of their slander.”
Galatians 5:19-23: "The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissentions, factions, and envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like… But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control…"
1 Corinthians 13:4-8: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
On seeking forgiveness for yourself:
Sometimes, the best way to find the strength to forgive others and extend grace and mercy to them is first realizing how much you need forgiveness and grace yourself. Sometimes, "Lord, change me" needs to come before "Lord, change them."
Isaiah 55:7: "Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon."
Psalm 51:1-2: "Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin."
Matthew 5:23-24: “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”
Proverbs 28:13: "He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy."
James 5:16: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."
1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
Psalm 32:5: “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord’ – and you forgave the guilt of my sin.”
Romans 3:22-24: “This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ.”
2 Chronicles 7:14-15: “if My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Now My eyes will be open and My ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place.”
Psalm 103:8-12: “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”
Acts 3:19: “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.”
Colossians 1:13-14: “For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”
2 Corinthians 5:21: "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."
Ephesians 1:7: “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.”
Romans 8:1 (KJV): “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”
2 Corinthians 5:17: “… if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.”
Trusting God - going forward in faith through the painful times (read these out loud to yourself daily or whenever you need to):
Romans 15:13: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”
Hebrews 13:5-6: “… God has said, ‘Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’”
Psalm 40:1-2: “I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."
Romans 8:26,28,31: “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express… And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose... If God is for us, who can be against us?”
Romans 5:3-5: “… we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”
2 Corinthians 4:8-9,16-18: “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed… Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
2 Corinthians 10:3-5: “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Ephesians 3:16-19: “I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work in us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”
Philippians 4:6-7: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” [With thanksgiving! I believe the level of peace we get is proportional to the amount of thanksgiving we do. We don't have to thank God for the pain, but there are always things to thank Him for in the pain, or maybe the good that came out of the pain. Try praying with thanksgiving, and see if it has an effect on your heart and mind and faith.]
James 1:5: "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
James 4:7-8: "Submit yourself, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you."
Philippians 4:8: “… whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.”
Colossians 3:2,23-24: “Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things… Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Jesus you are serving.”
Hebrews 12:1: "Therefore, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”
Philippians 3:13: “… Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead. I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
1 Peter 1:5-6,15,13: “[you] through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials… But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do… Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
1 Peter 5:7-10: “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”
1 Cor.
10:13: "No temptation has seized you except what is
common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond
what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way
out so that you can stand up under it."
Philippians 4:13: “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."
And better yet: Put them both together by "praying Scripture"
And finally, I think one of the best ways to deal with emotional struggles or spiritual warfare of any kind (in this case, unforgiveness and bitterness) is to pray Scripture. Seek out verses that relate to whatever you're struggling with (ask God for guidance) and then turn them into prayers, such as this one:
Verses and Prayer for Forgiveness and Healing:
John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.”
1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
Psalm 32:5: “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord’ – and you forgave the guilt of my sin.”
Acts 3:19: “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.”
Psalm 103:11-12: “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”
Romans 3:22-24: “This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ.”
2 Corinthians 5:17: “… if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.”
Romans 8:1: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…”
Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Luke 6:27: “… Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”
Lord, I know that sin affects my eternity and my relationships with You, with myself, and with others. And in order to have the best life possible, in eternity and on earth, I need Your forgiveness for my sins and I need to forgive others for their sins against me, as You have forgiven me.
Lord, I thank You that Jesus died for my sins on the cross so that I could be saved from hell and go to heaven. I thank You for Your promise to forgive my sins if I confess them to You. I want to be forgiven. I want to be cleansed from my sins and to experience the healing and times of refreshing that You promise. And so right now, I confess my sins to You. (Specifically confess any known sins to God right now.) Reveal to me any sins that I am hiding or that I have forgotten but that I need to confess to You. (Take some time to listen for His answer throughout the week. When He reveals any, confess them.) I thank You, Lord, that You paid for all these sins on the cross. They are already forgiven. And we don’t have to earn or work for Your forgiveness. In fact, no one can earn Your forgiveness. All we have to do - all we can do - is reach out and accept it as the free gift it is. I have made You my Lord and Savior, and so I don’t have to pay for my sins eternally or be beaten down by them on earth anymore.
[If you haven’t yet accepted Jesus as Lord as Savior, do so now with a prayer that’s as simple as “Lord, I admit that I am a sinner and I can’t save myself. I need You. Thank You for dying for my sins so that I could go to heaven and for rising again to prove You are God. I accept Your sacrifice for my sins right now. Forgive me and cleanse me. I am putting my faith in You right now and choosing You as my Lord and Savior. And I want to live the rest of my life for You. Help me do that. Make me who You want me to be. Thank You for Your amazing grace, mercy, and love. In Jesus’s name, Amen.”]
Lord, I thank You that You have made me a new creation, that You have taken the old away, removing my sins as far as the east is from the west. I thank You that even though I may still have to face the consequences of my sins on earth, You are with me and will help me face it. I thank You that I am not condemned for my sins anymore in Your eyes because of what You did for me on the cross. Because of Jesus’s death, You now see me as righteous. He took my sins away. Help me to live in gratitude for that precious truth, for Jesus’s amazing sacrifice.
But Lord, even though I know this is the truth, I still sometimes feel ashamed and guilty. And I know this is from the enemy, the one who wants to hurt me, to make me ashamed, and to ruin my relationship with You and my future. In the name of Jesus Christ, I resist the devil and his attempts to hurt me, to make me feel ashamed, unforgiven, hopeless, helpless, or unloved. (“Submit yourself, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you.” James 4:7-8)
I am a child of Yours, Lord. You love me. You are my hope and my help. You forgave my sins. I matter to You just because I am Yours. And since I am Your child, the devil doesn’t have any power over me anymore, other than the power I let him have when I give in to him, his lies, and to sin. But right now, I am confessing my sins to You and drawing near to You. I am resisting the devil’s lies, in Jesus’s name. And according to Your Word, the devil has to flee. Greater is the Holy Spirit who is in me than the devil who is in the world (1 John 4:4). Thank You, Lord, for Your presence, power, and help. Thank You for Your victory over evil. Help me to understand what it truly means to be a child of God, how I should live in this world and do battle in the spiritual world.
Lord, I will trust You when You say that You forgave my sins, that You love me, that You made me a new creation, that You do not condemn me anymore, and that I am righteous in Your eyes because of what Jesus did for me. Please, Lord, surround me with Your heavenly angels to keep the enemy away. Surround me with Your truth and Your healing love, to help me feel the forgiveness and love and grace and mercy that You pour out on me.
Lord, I know that part of living as Your child is forgiving other people for what they did to me. If we want Your forgiveness, we have to forgive others. This is going to be hard for me, Lord, so please help me do it. You don’t say that we have to feel like forgiving them or that we have to want to forgive them; You just say that we have to do it. And so even if I don’t feel like forgiving them, I’m going to do it anyway. Just because You said I need to. After all, if You died on the cross to forgive me for what I did wrong, then surely I can forgive others for what they did wrong.
And so right now, I am going to forgive other people for what they did to me. (Name each person you’re forgiving and what you’re forgiving them for. Tell the Lord that you forgive that person and won’t hold their offenses against them anymore. Ask Him to give you a tender heart for them, to help you see them and love them as He does, even if you never see them anymore or have to stay away from them. It’s okay if you have to love someone from a distance.)
Lord, I put these people and the hurts they caused me into Your hands right now. Forgive me for the bitterness I’ve had towards them, for the anger that kept me prisoner, and for the things I’ve done in revenge for what they did. I give up my “right” to hold their sins against them anymore. I give up the bitterness I feel and the desire for revenge. I trust You to deal justly with their sins, in Your time and in Your way. But, please, heal the hurt they caused me and the heart-wounds they’ve given me. Turn it into something good, for Your glory and Your purposes and my future.
In fact, You even say that we should pray for those who mistreat us. And so right now I pray for the people who hurt me. I pray that You would guide them to You, meet their needs, and help them find healing too. (Pray for each individual person by name, if you can.)
And help me, Lord, to live in forgiveness from here forward, in the forgiveness I gave others and in the forgiveness You gave me. Help me to see those other people the way You see them and to see myself the way You see me. Help me to feel for them what You feel for them. Help me to understand how You feel about me. Help me to remember that I am Your child, that I am forgiven, that I am loved, and that You have a future full of hope and purpose planned for me. And even if it’s not the future I thought it would be, You can still make it into something good and useful for Your kingdom. Help me learn to follow as You lead me.
Lord, I know I will continue to stumble, and so I ask You to help keep my heart sensitive to anything I need to confess to You in the future, to anyone I need to seek forgiveness from, or to anyone else I need to forgive. Thank You that You always forgive us when we confess our sins to You and that You will always comfort us and restore our souls when we cry out to You, no matter what we've done. Fill me with the hope and peace and healing that is found in You alone. Thank You for Your amazing grace. Because of what You have done for me, I can be whole and healed and live a meaningful life for You. Help me to do that. Make me the person You want me to be. And help me to share Your grace, love, and truth with others who need it too.
In Jesus’s name, Amen
I wrote some more "praying Scripture" prayers about other struggles in this post: "Scripture-based prayers for the hardest times." (Seriously, turning Scripture into prayer has been one of the most helpful things for me when I'm having anxiety attacks.)
And a few great songs on forgiveness and dealing with hurt:
Forgiven by Crowder
Confession by The City Harmonic
Grace Like Rain by Todd Agnew
Fell Apart by The City Harmonic
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
Come As You Are by Crowder
Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher
Strong Enough by Matthew West
I Need a Miracle by Third Day
Forgiven by Sanctus Real
Remind Me Who I Am by Jason Gray
Flawless by Mercy Me
Lift Your Head Weary Sinner (Chains) by Crowder
Forgiveness by Toby Mac
Man of God by Audio Adrenaline (All of us Christians know what it's like to be human.)
