"A gun to my head... I knew I was going to die" (Renee's testimony)

A dear friend of mine from another state gave me her testimony.  She printed copies of it to share with others in the hopes that sharing her painful story would help others who are hurting too.  It's such an amazing, beautiful testimony that I asked her if she'd like me to share it on my blog, and she said yes.  So here it is, in Renee's own words.  I hope you find encouragement in it like I do.:

A GUN TO MY HEAD... 

I KNEW I WAS GOING TO DIE... 

AN ELDERLY MAN TRIED TO MOLEST ME... 

I LOST MY IDENTITY... 

SHAME AND REJECTION TOOK ROOT IN ME... 

MY LIFE CONTINUED TO SPIRAL DOWNHILL...

My story begins while I was still in my mother's womb.  My biological father would curse me in the womb, saying he wished I was never conceived and that I would die before I was born.  Nevertheless, I was born.  I never met my biological father.  I wasn't even a year old when my mom met my daddy that raised me.  He would tell people he fell in love with me before he fell in love with my mom!  The day they got married, I was about three years old.  He adopted me that same day.  He and my mom had six more children, making me the oldest of seven.  Life was good until I was around six or seven years old.

We were having a baptism for my little sister.  One of the elderly men took me in the back barn and tried to molest me.  It was in no way handled appropriately, and there was more shame put on me.  I was told to go to sleep, and when I woke up nothing was ever said about it.  That incident changed my life for a lot of years.  I lost my identity.  Rejection and shame took root in me, and I certainly did not feel safe anymore.

The first time I ever did anything with a boy, I got pregnant.  I was 16 years old and ran away from home.  I came back after two years, and my life continued to spiral downhill.  Now, I had two children.  I moved back home while I was pregnant with my second child and went to work.  I eventually met a man and got into an abusive marriage for ten years.

In my 20's and early 30's, I wasn't making great choices.  I still felt so lost and had no value.  I ended up being raped twice and was still trying to find my purpose to no avail.  I was looking in all the wrong places.  I ended up married a second time.  His three children loved me but hated me at the same time because I wasn't their mom.  By this point in time, I knew there had to be something more to this life.  I couldn't take it anymore and came up with a plan.  I got a second job working at a hotel.  I sat my husband down and told him I couldn't do it anymore but didn't want a divorce.  I told him about my new job and that I would get my own place so me and my two girls would live there.  I told him that when he was done raising his children, he and I could start our life.  That was my plan!

That Thursday, I went to work as front desk clerk at a reputable hotel.  During the first night of training, two gentlemen came in earlier in the night.  They were asking questions, and one of them was looking at me very inappropriately.  I even told him, "My eyes are up here, sir."  Then, they left.  Later on in the night, around 10 o'clock, two men came into the lobby dressed completely in black from head to toe.  The only thing you could see was their eyes.  It was the same two men who had been there earlier.  I knew by their eyes.  One of them put a gun to my head, shoved me into the chair, pushed the gun into my forehead, and wouldn't let me talk.  I knew I was going to die.  As I watched his finger pulling on the trigger, all I could say inside my head was, "Our father who art in heaven, our father who art in heaven, our father who art in heaven."

The other guy was yelling and screaming at the manager, wanting all the money out of the registers and the floor safe.  That couldn't happen without two other mangers' keys.  The next thing I know, as the guy is yelling for the money, I watched the man's finger pulling the trigger on the gun on my head.  The gun went off two times.  I went into shock.  I thought I was dead.  The next thing I knew, the paramedics were there.  No one could figure out how my head wasn't blown off.  No one could figure out how I was still alive.  The gun shot through the picture on the back wall and through the floor into the upstairs bathroom but not into my head.  The bruise and gunpowder on my forehead were very prominent.

Exactly one month later, I went into my first Bible study.  No one else showed up, and I was able to hear about the love of God for the first time in my life.  I had been afraid of God all these years.  

When I accepted Jesus and prayed a prayer, I literally felt him step right on inside of me.  Nothing around me in my life changed, but everything on the inside of me changed.

A year later, I was at church worshiping God.  Suddenly, it was as though God turned on a video camera in my mind and took me right back to the night at that hotel.  He showed me that when the gun went off, His very own hand reached down from heaven, grabbed the man's arm, and moved it.  Then I heard the voice of God speak on the inside of me and say, "I saved you on purpose, for a purpose."

My life was forever changed again.  For the first time ever, I felt accepted, healed, and whole.  Since that day, God has shown me throughout my entire life all the different times He was there saving me, keeping me, holding me, protecting me, and loving me.  He has never left me.  Even before I knew Him, He knew me.  He has been keeping me and providing for me always.  He never stops.

When He did for me, He will do for you!  He loves you.  He's never left you.  He's kept you.  He has saved you... on purpose!

"Dear Jesus, right now I ask You to be my Lord and Savior,  I believe You are the Son of God, You died on the cross to pay for the penalty of my sin, and You arose from the dead.  I admit I am a sinner, and I ask for forgiveness of my sins.  I want to walk in freedom with You, and I want You to walk with me for the rest of my life and throughout eternity.  Thank You Jesus, for saving my soul.  Amen."

If you would like to talk about the changes Jesus has made in my life or the changes only He can make in your life, contact me, Renee, at My1newheart@yahoo.com.