Giggle Translate #10: Whispers, Tired Cabbage, and North Korea

Here is the original section I wrote for my life story over at my other blog:

I am also a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology.  But that sounds more impressive than it really is, because I actually have very little counseling experience.

And my first “attempt” at it wasn’t very impressive, either.  My very first counseling job was, of course, as an intern.  I was supposed to sit in with my supervisor as he counseled a reluctant teen boy.  And I was hugely pregnant with my first child.

Before going into the counseling room, I was passing through the office when a bowl of butterscotch candies called out to me, “Heather, you want one of us!  We look good, don’t we?  Go ahead, take one!  The baby wants butterscotch!”  A little voice in my head said, “Don’t do it.”  But did I listen?  No!  I grabbed a piece and popped it in my mouth.  After all, I was just going to be listening.  I wouldn’t even have to say a word.  Surely, I could just sit there quietly and suck on my candy.

Now, this was the first time I met this teen.  I was already feeling very conspicuous, being the very large-bellied newbie and the only female in the room.  But, as if that wasn’t enough, as my supervisor was discussing delicate details of the boy’s life with him, I inhaled this butterscotch candy into the back of my throat.  And immediately I began gagging on it.  You know that gurgling, hacking sound you make when something's stuck in your throat and you're trying to cough it back up again?  Yeah, that's what I was doing, spastically coughing and sputtering.

But I didn’t want to disrupt the flow of conversation, so I sat there completely still - smiling and calm - as I sputtered and slurped and tried to cough the candy back up again.  (I’m sure it was really creepy!)

And when I finally hacked the candy back up into my mouth, I resumed quietly sitting there, acting like nothing happened, with a doe-eyed, innocent look of, “What?  What are you all looking at?”  I knew they were laughing on the inside.  They giggled and shook as they talked.  Though, politely, neither one of them would even look at me.

Worst part was ... neither of them knew that I had candy in my mouth.  And I was too embarrassed to ever explain it.  So I can only imagine what they must have thought was going on with the motionless, creepy, smiling, pregnant woman spontaneously gurgling and choking in the middle of the room.

And here is the same story after it's been run through Google Translate a bunch of times [my comments about the translation will be in brackets and in blue]:
            
His first job as a student counselor was actually as a student.  Need to be a manager and give advice to young people who are struggling.  And I got my first child pregnant.  [So very, truly, horribly wrong!  You're sick, Google Translate!]  
            
Before entering the conference room, I brought a bowl of sugar to the office.  Sounds good, doesn't it?  Come with me!  Kids love to sink in Scotland!""  [Is it like being sucked into quicksand or tar pits, but they love it anyway?  That's demented.]
            
"Don't do that," he said in a dizzy voice to my head.  But I heard?  Nothing!  I took the piece and put it in my mouth.  Semalat, just heard.  I'm speechless.  I can still sit and not invent sugar.  [Yeah, that's easy enough, to sit and not invent sugar.  I wouldn't even know how to invent sugar if I tried.  And I have no idea what "Semalat" is.]
            
I met him first.  I felt I was famous when my stomach was big and my wife was alone in the room.  But if that is not enough.  When my manager mentioned the problem with the kids, I came across this cheese.  [Just some random cheese laying around, I guess.]  I fired immediately, but I did not want to stop the conversation.  I woke up completely, smiling and whispering and whispering and swallowing and feeding the tired cabbage on my tongue and putting it in my mouth.  Moon of the Moon.  (I was really scared!)  [Well, that's just plain weird.  And creepy, with all that whispering and smiling and feeding the tired cabbage on my tongue!  No wonder I was scared!]
            
When I finally cut my sweet mouth open [that's sick!], nothing seemed to have happened, with innocent eyes: "How?  I can not imagine what."  I didn't know they were laughing inside.  They cried and were afraid when they talked.  But neither of them treated me with respect.  [Well, that's sad.]  
            
North Korea is the worst, and not in part, knew all this, in whose mouth is ... candy.  [I said nothing of North Korea.  So strange!]  Even more annoying is it to unfold.  I want it to be a pregnant woman with just one face, emotions, smile and smile and keep swallowing in the middle of the room.  [Once again, creepy!]



[I'm not sure Google Translate is very reliable for getting your message across.  At least not when you run it through a dozen different languages in a row for fun.  I'm just sayin'.]