Falling Apart at the Feet of God (rewrite)

(I slightly rewrote this previous post of mine for the Christian Prodigal I sent a letter to.  I thought it might speak to them and their situation.  This is the original version and the edited version I sent them blended into one.)

 
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  (Psalm 34:18)  

“Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You.”  (Psalm 9:10)

Having grown up with a biological dad who had almost nothing to do with me and two ex-step-dads whom I lost contact with eventually (one after a really, REALLY messy divorce) and a current step-dad who . . . well, I am just too old for a new dad . . . I have never really felt like I belonged to a dad, like I really mattered to one. 

I grew up always feeling like the outsider, a step-child who didn’t quite fit in or have a place to belong.  I never felt like I could be myself with a dad, like I was fully loved for who I was.  It was always just a matter of time before they left. 

And this caused a terrible fear of abandonment and a fear of being a burden to anyone.  It caused me to lean only on myself and to polish up my outside so that I earned love and approval and acceptance.  It caused me to always keep my distance, to keep walls up around my heart to protect it from being vulnerable, being hurt.  It caused me to always feel like I was on the outside, looking in.

And I didn’t know that I was doing this with God, too, until a series of trials crushed my confidence in myself and taught me that I was not as strong and capable as I thought I was.  I learned that I couldn’t do it all on my own, like I was used to doing.  I learned that I really needed God.  Not just wanted Him, but needed Him.  Desperately needed Him. 

I wasn’t used to needing a father.  I tried not to need a father.  Fathers let you down.


But those trials made me realize that my polished exterior and my chipper attitude and my "I can do it" spirit wasn't enough.  And hiding my doubts and fears from God - acting like "I can do it all, and with a godly, agreeable attitude too" - wasn't helping my relationship with Him.

It was hurting it.  Because it kept me from trusting Him enough to fall fully on Him.  It caused me to keep Him an arm’s length away from the broken, hurting parts of my heart.  It made me rely on myself and not on Him.  

All along, I guess I was trying to please Him, to make Him happy with me so that I didn’t offend Him or earn His wrath or disapproval.  I just wasn’t used to being real with a dad.  I wasn’t used to knowing that I was accepted no matter what and that I was loved just because I was theirs.  I had to earn my way, my worth.  And part of that was being pleasing, being polished and agreeable. 

But the various trials that I went through broke me inside.  My heart and my spirit were breaking into small pieces and I couldn’t keep it together.  I couldn’t wear that polished “good Christian” mask anymore.  It became too heavy to carry around.  I was so exhausted and broken and weak that I had to put it down.  I was so tired of trying so hard that I couldn’t even stand on my own anymore.  All I could do was fall down in despair at the feet of God.  All I could do was say, “I can’t do it, God.  I am tired.  So tired.  I am afraid.  I am failing.  I have no idea what to do.  And I need You.  I just need You to hold me for awhile because I can’t even stand anymore.” 

And that was new to me.  To fall on Him completely, in utter weakness.  And it was scary to admit to the brokenness inside, the pain and fears and doubts and weaknesses.  But I had exhausted myself trying every other way to manage on my own, to keep it all together. 

And through brokenness, I learned that God doesn’t want our efforts to please Him, our fake, polished fronts, our "good Christian" masks.  He doesn't want that stuff nearly as much as He just wants us, as we are.  Messes and all.  He wants us to be our real selves with Him.  He wants us to lay it all out before Him, to open our hearts to Him fully, vulnerably, honestly.  To fall on Him and cry out, “I can’t do it anymore.  I'm broken.  I'm a mess.  And I need You.”

            A parable from Luke 18: 

            To some who were confident of their own righteousness and who looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: 
            “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.  The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men – robbers, evildoers, adulterers – or even like this tax collector.  I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
            But the tax collector stood at a distance.  He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’
            I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God.  For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

It's okay to fall apart in front of the One who can put you back together again.
It's okay to bring your chains to the One with the key to free you.
It's okay to be weak when you are leaning on the One who is strong.
It's okay to not have all the answers when you know the One who does.
It's okay to be human, to be broken, to be a mess ... because we have a Father who isn't surprised or scared off by any of that, who loves us anyway, and who is eagerly waiting to reach down and pull us out of our messes the moment we call on Him in sincere, honest humility. 


God wants to be let into all areas of our hearts, our lives, our pasts.  To heal us.  He wants to heal the heart-wounds, the fears, the sins, the messes we've made of our lives, our doubts, our negative self-thoughts.  He wants to heal us with His love and truth. 

But that can’t happen when we lock our wounds, fears, messes, and doubts in a little room in our hearts surrounded by strong walls meant to keep everyone out, even Him.  Meant to protect us from being vulnerable, from getting hurt again, from having to be "too real."  He can't help us when we hide from Him - behind our fake masks, our lies, our own efforts, our self-sufficiency.

Through the pain and brokenness, I have learned to break down those walls, to let God in, to be real with Him.  (Maybe not with others, but at least with Him.)  Even when it hurts.  Even when I'm scared of what He'll think of me.

It's okay to be human.  To be broken.  To be a mess.  God knows we're human because that's how He created us.  It's okay to have fears and doubts, as long as we bring them to Him honestly.  And He knows we will sin.  It's not a surprise to Him that we will stumble and fall and make a mess of our lives.  (For two great songs about this: What If I Stumble? by DC Talk and Man of God by Audio Adrenaline.)  

But that's what forgiveness is for.  That's why Jesus died.  That's why He is so ready to forgive us, to fix things, to help us out of the messes we got ourselves into.  Because He knows we can't do it without Him.  That's the way He made us.  To need Him.  To lean on Him.  To be loved by Him.  

            “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  (Deuteronomy 31:8)

            “Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified, and do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”  (Joshua 1:9.)

            “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? … No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  (Romans 8:35-39)

            “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”  (Hebrews 4:16)              

There is a truth that you need to know:  You cannot make God love you any more than He already does . . . and you cannot make Him love you any less than He always will.  And He already knows everything there is to know about you, even the things you think you're so good at hiding.  So stop trying to hide the bad parts of yourself.  Stop with the "good Christian" performance.  And take off the "good Christian" mask.  You don't need to be polished or perfect or lovable before He will love you.  He already loves you right now, as much as He ever could, just as you are.

God doesn't want a "phony you," no matter how pretty or perfect or pleasing it appears.  He wants your heart.  Your real heart.  The broken pieces, the ugly parts, the messes, the sins, and all.  He just wants ... you!  As you are!  He wants a real, genuine relationship with you, so that He can heal the broken parts and help you live the life He wants for you.

But this cannot happen if we lock the truth about ourselves deep in our hearts so that no one – not even God – can see it.  If you want an authentic, genuine relationship with Him, you need to be authentic and genuine with Him.  You need to come before Him humbly, to take off the mask, to be your real self with Him.  

He can handle the honesty, the ugly, broken, faulty parts.  But He cannot bear to have distance between your heart and His.  That's why Jesus came and died, so that He could bridge the gap between us and Him so that there would be no more distance, so that we could freely and humbly enter into His throne-room, fall into His arms, and let His love make us whole.

Hiding the bad parts won’t make the bad parts go away.  And it won't fool the Lord.  He already knows our bad parts ... but He loves us anyway.  

He loves you as much as He ever could ... right now ... just as you are.

So hiding the bad parts won't do any good.  But it will do harm.  Because hiding our real selves from God creates distance, preventing us from getting His help and His healing.  

But the minute we come to our senses and turn towards the Lord again, in truth, in our weakness and neediness and messiness - the minute we cry out "I'm sorry, God.  And I need You!" - He comes running, arms wide open, to throw His arms around us and welcome us home.



In Luke 15, the prodigal son has left the father and made many mistakes and bad choices.  But one day, when he's at the end of his rope and life feels hopeless, he comes to his senses and decides to return to the father, hoping that maybe the father will take him back as a hired hand if he grovels in repentance.

            “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; and he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. 
             The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
            But the father said to the servants, ‘Quick!  Bring the best robe and put it on him.  Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Bring the fattened calf and kill it.  Let’s have a feast and celebrate.  For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’  So they began to celebrate.”


God knows the mess we've made of our lives.  He knows we need Him.  He knows we need His help, His forgiveness, His mercy and grace.  Which is why He offers them so freely.  He wants us to have them!  So get rid of the mask and get real with Him.  It is too exhausting, discouraging, and fruitless to keep the mask on anyway ... because we were never meant to wear it.


God doesn’t want our good performance.  He wants our honest hearts. 

He doesn’t want pretty and polished and proper.  He wants real and ugly and raw.

He doesn’t want us to just want Him.  He wants us to need Him and to know that it’s okay that we need Him, that we can’t do it on our own. 

He doesn’t want us to try to earn His love, forgiveness, grace or mercy.  He just wants us to accept the love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy that He already offers freely to us through Jesus Christ. 

And the only way this can happen is to get humble, to get real, to be broken before the Lord.  Yes, brokenness can be scary.  But God uses our brokenness not to hurt us or destroy us, but to build us up again in Him, stronger, better, healed.

I was a Christian for over two decades before I learned the value of brokenness, of humility, before I learned to take off the "good Christian mask" and to vulnerably open my heart to Him, to fall on Him in exhaustion and let Him hold me, to get real.  

Yes, it hurts and, yes, it feels scary at times.  Being broken, becoming real, always does.  But there is so much healing and love and peace on the other side that it's worth it.  And you'll wonder why you waited so long to fall apart at the feet of God.  (If you do not know Jesus as Lord and Savior yet, click here.)

            “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.”  (James 4:8)

            “Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. . . . Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long.  Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.  You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call on you.  Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy.”  (Psalm 86:1-6)

            “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  (Psalm 34:17-18)  

            “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”  (Psalm 51:17)

With the Lord, hope is never lost.  He can heal and restore anything.  If you will let Him.

“Praise the Lord, O my soul … who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.”  (Psalm 103:2-4)

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.”  (Psalm 40:1-3)

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides quiet waters, he restores my soul.  He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”  (Psalm 23:1-4)

“A dirty diamond is still a diamond.  It just needs to be cleaned.”  (Tony Evans)