Anyone Else Worn Out?
(Reposted from a year ago, but still so fitting. Updated.)
[It dawned on me last night - after talking with one of my sons about anxiety issues - just how many big things we've been hit with in the last 5-10 years (most of them in the last 5 years):
- getting out of a moldy rental that made us sick and buying this house that we thought was such a great answer to prayer
- finding one big house problem after the next
- depression over an abandoned, moldy, neighbor's garage which is 10 feet from our yard and blows all over us (they've only just now - the fall of 2019 - started cleaning it up, after about 5 years of me being severely depressed over it)
- several years ago, my only close friend at the time stopped calling me and it crushed me
- I went into a long and deep depression over various issues
- my young-ish aunt died, my mother-in-law died, my grandpa died, my biological father died, my grandma died, my 30-year-old sister-in-law died leaving behind 3 children under age 6 for my brother to raise alone
- I had a panic attack and then another year of overwhelming daily anxiety followed by a couple more years of milder anxiety which I still deal with
- my mother began repeatedly trying to drink herself to death over the last 3 years
- investigators showed up at my house a few months ago, asking me about the death of someone I knew
- my mother was recently arrested for that death
- my brothers and I are facing the fall-out of that and the attacks on our character, even though we had nothing to do with it
- my brothers were getting online death threats because of it, which freaked us all out and made us all retreat from society behind our black-out curtains for awhile
- the investigation is still going on and so we have to think about and talk about disturbing things from our past (this issue is on my mind all day, every day)
- there will probably be a trial eventually where I and my brothers will have to share things "against" my mom
- and several months ago we left our previously-wonderful home church of 20 years due to strong doctrinal disagreements and so we don't even have the support of the friends we used to have while we go through this very difficult time. But thankfully, I do have some great family members and a couple good friends that I can talk to and get support from. So I am blessed!]
The hits just keep coming! And I'm tired. This is why I write so much about it, to process it, to turn it into something helpful, to let it out instead of holding it in.
And it's probably why I long so much for eternity. I long for the day when we can finally rest from our troubles. But until then, I cling to the Lord and try to take each day as it comes, with His grace, help, strength, and wisdom to get me through.
Worn by Tenth Avenue North
Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North
Love, Heal Me by City Harmonic
Fell Apart by City Harmonic
Praise the Lord by City Harmonic (No matter what you're going through - good or the bad - this is critical to maintaining your faith, to staying near to the Lord, and to keeping evil away as much as possible. Praise the Lord. No matter what. You might not be able to fix the problems that are coming your way, but you can turn the problems into "sacred ground," into a springboard for praise. You can't choose the hand you're dealt, but you can choose how to play your cards!)
Honestly by City Harmonic
Oh, What Love by City Harmonic (One of my all-time favorite songs. Always makes me cry.)
I AM by Crowder (One of my favorite scenes in this song is at the 2:34 minute mark, when one of the disciples is laying on the floor crying, reaching out to a battered Jesus who's lying near him. Oh, how I've felt that way so many times these past years, especially now. Life has repeatedly beaten me down, and I'm laying on the floor crying, doing the only thing I can do - reaching out for the Lord who is nearby - even if it doesn't feel like it - during the painful trials, just hoping and praying to be able to touch Him with the tip of my finger to feel His presence and know that He is there. Reaching out for the Lord while you're in pain - sometimes that's all you can do. (And praising Him, of course.) And sometimes that has to be enough.)
Hallelujah Christmas by Cloverton (A wonderful, encouraging song any time of year!)
Burn the Ships by For King and Country (There will come a day when it's time to stop crying, to pick yourself up off the floor, dust yourself off, put the past behind you, and move forward. Someday, for whatever trials we're in, there will come a day to "burn the ships." For the backstory to this song, click here.)
In The Sky by Bob Carlisle, Russ Lee, and Ashley Cleveland (I am so longing for this day! Waiting for the Lord's return. It's what helps keep me going.)
We Believe by Newsboys (Such great truths that need to be remembered, especially in the hard times. It's critical to remember that the Bible's truths trump our feelings and fears. That the Bible's truths will outlast our feelings and fears. Someday He's coming back again, and He will right all wrongs, make all bad things beautiful, and heal all hurts. And that's a truth I cling to.)
Manifesto by The City Harmonic (Because I love it and it gives me hope!)
A Prayer:Lord, for those (like me) struggling to hang in there, to keep their faith, to keep on living ... surround them with Your heavenly angels to protect them from evil. Comfort them and guard them while they are weak and vulnerable. Open their eyes to the depth of Your love for them and show them how much You care for them and are watching out for them.
Help them realize that they don't always have to try so hard, that sometimes the best thing they can do is to just fall exhausted into Your arms and to let You hold them.
Lord, help them to release their concerns into Your capable hands. Help them to trust You to pick up the pieces they drop, to mend the broken things they can't fix, to forgive them for the things they can't forgive themselves for, to help them forgive others when they can't do it themselves, and to handle the things they can't handle, the things they shouldn't be worried about anyway. Help them learn to trust You and to rest in Your arms.
Help them understand which steps You want them to take and which ones You don't, which jobs are theirs and which are Yours, so that they don't waste energy focusing on things they shouldn't be concerned about.
Give them the strength to hang in there, to wait on You, to be concerned only with what You are asking them to do yoday, and to give You everything else. Give them the peace that comes from trusting You and knowing that You will handle what we cannot. Give them the joy that comes with knowing that You are for us and that You are always watching over us and that You will work all things together for good for those who love You.
Thank You for Your goodness and faithfulness to us, Lord. Please help those who are hurting to feel Your presence strongly. Encourage them. Guide them. Cover them in Your grace and mercy and power while they rest in Your arms. Hold them while they fall apart for a little while, until they have the strength to stand up again. Thank You for hearing our prayers and for being a God who cares for us and who loves us immensely. Thank You for promising to come back again and to make all things right in the end. Amen
Can anyone else relate to the idea of being exhausted from the energy it takes to just keep breathing (the song Worn, linked below)?
I've been there, too. For a long time now.
I've been there, too. For a long time now.
[It dawned on me last night - after talking with one of my sons about anxiety issues - just how many big things we've been hit with in the last 5-10 years (most of them in the last 5 years):
- getting out of a moldy rental that made us sick and buying this house that we thought was such a great answer to prayer
- finding one big house problem after the next
- depression over an abandoned, moldy, neighbor's garage which is 10 feet from our yard and blows all over us (they've only just now - the fall of 2019 - started cleaning it up, after about 5 years of me being severely depressed over it)
- several years ago, my only close friend at the time stopped calling me and it crushed me
- I went into a long and deep depression over various issues
- my young-ish aunt died, my mother-in-law died, my grandpa died, my biological father died, my grandma died, my 30-year-old sister-in-law died leaving behind 3 children under age 6 for my brother to raise alone
- I had a panic attack and then another year of overwhelming daily anxiety followed by a couple more years of milder anxiety which I still deal with
- my mother began repeatedly trying to drink herself to death over the last 3 years
- investigators showed up at my house a few months ago, asking me about the death of someone I knew
- my mother was recently arrested for that death
- my brothers and I are facing the fall-out of that and the attacks on our character, even though we had nothing to do with it
- my brothers were getting online death threats because of it, which freaked us all out and made us all retreat from society behind our black-out curtains for awhile
- the investigation is still going on and so we have to think about and talk about disturbing things from our past (this issue is on my mind all day, every day)
- there will probably be a trial eventually where I and my brothers will have to share things "against" my mom
- and several months ago we left our previously-wonderful home church of 20 years due to strong doctrinal disagreements and so we don't even have the support of the friends we used to have while we go through this very difficult time. But thankfully, I do have some great family members and a couple good friends that I can talk to and get support from. So I am blessed!]
The hits just keep coming! And I'm tired. This is why I write so much about it, to process it, to turn it into something helpful, to let it out instead of holding it in.
And it's probably why I long so much for eternity. I long for the day when we can finally rest from our troubles. But until then, I cling to the Lord and try to take each day as it comes, with His grace, help, strength, and wisdom to get me through.
Worn by Tenth Avenue North
Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North
Love, Heal Me by City Harmonic
Fell Apart by City Harmonic
Praise the Lord by City Harmonic (No matter what you're going through - good or the bad - this is critical to maintaining your faith, to staying near to the Lord, and to keeping evil away as much as possible. Praise the Lord. No matter what. You might not be able to fix the problems that are coming your way, but you can turn the problems into "sacred ground," into a springboard for praise. You can't choose the hand you're dealt, but you can choose how to play your cards!)
Honestly by City Harmonic
Oh, What Love by City Harmonic (One of my all-time favorite songs. Always makes me cry.)
I AM by Crowder (One of my favorite scenes in this song is at the 2:34 minute mark, when one of the disciples is laying on the floor crying, reaching out to a battered Jesus who's lying near him. Oh, how I've felt that way so many times these past years, especially now. Life has repeatedly beaten me down, and I'm laying on the floor crying, doing the only thing I can do - reaching out for the Lord who is nearby - even if it doesn't feel like it - during the painful trials, just hoping and praying to be able to touch Him with the tip of my finger to feel His presence and know that He is there. Reaching out for the Lord while you're in pain - sometimes that's all you can do. (And praising Him, of course.) And sometimes that has to be enough.)
Hallelujah Christmas by Cloverton (A wonderful, encouraging song any time of year!)
Burn the Ships by For King and Country (There will come a day when it's time to stop crying, to pick yourself up off the floor, dust yourself off, put the past behind you, and move forward. Someday, for whatever trials we're in, there will come a day to "burn the ships." For the backstory to this song, click here.)
In The Sky by Bob Carlisle, Russ Lee, and Ashley Cleveland (I am so longing for this day! Waiting for the Lord's return. It's what helps keep me going.)
We Believe by Newsboys (Such great truths that need to be remembered, especially in the hard times. It's critical to remember that the Bible's truths trump our feelings and fears. That the Bible's truths will outlast our feelings and fears. Someday He's coming back again, and He will right all wrongs, make all bad things beautiful, and heal all hurts. And that's a truth I cling to.)
Manifesto by The City Harmonic (Because I love it and it gives me hope!)
What I've learned about trials (even if I forget sometimes):
(Maybe I shouldn't have drawn a smiley face on myself, as the trials keep coming. I don't usually smile through them. They cause great heartache. But I wanted to show a sense of peace, even in the midst of painful trials.)
Several great sermons from Tony Evans, just because I need them:
Divine Coincidences
(for more sermons from him, click here)
(for more sermons from him, click here)
A Prayer:
Help them realize that they don't always have to try so hard, that sometimes the best thing they can do is to just fall exhausted into Your arms and to let You hold them.
Lord, help them to release their concerns into Your capable hands. Help them to trust You to pick up the pieces they drop, to mend the broken things they can't fix, to forgive them for the things they can't forgive themselves for, to help them forgive others when they can't do it themselves, and to handle the things they can't handle, the things they shouldn't be worried about anyway. Help them learn to trust You and to rest in Your arms.
Help them understand which steps You want them to take and which ones You don't, which jobs are theirs and which are Yours, so that they don't waste energy focusing on things they shouldn't be concerned about.
Give them the strength to hang in there, to wait on You, to be concerned only with what You are asking them to do yoday, and to give You everything else. Give them the peace that comes from trusting You and knowing that You will handle what we cannot. Give them the joy that comes with knowing that You are for us and that You are always watching over us and that You will work all things together for good for those who love You.
Thank You for Your goodness and faithfulness to us, Lord. Please help those who are hurting to feel Your presence strongly. Encourage them. Guide them. Cover them in Your grace and mercy and power while they rest in Your arms. Hold them while they fall apart for a little while, until they have the strength to stand up again. Thank You for hearing our prayers and for being a God who cares for us and who loves us immensely. Thank You for promising to come back again and to make all things right in the end. Amen
Bible verses to remember (Say them OUT LOUD!):
Jeremiah 29:11: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Psalm 34:17-18: "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Deuteronomy 31:8: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Psalm 40:1-2: "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."
Romans 8:38-39: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Psalm 145:18: "The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."
Psalm 55:16-17: "But I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice."
John 10:10: "The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
2 Timothy 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (KJV)
Jeremiah 29:11: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Psalm 34:17-18: "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Deuteronomy 31:8: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Psalm 40:1-2: "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."
Romans 8:38-39: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Psalm 145:18: "The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."
Psalm 55:16-17: "But I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice."
John 10:10: "The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
2 Timothy 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (KJV)
For more encouragement:
When everything feels like it's falling apart, there's always hope. Hang in there! God's got it. He can carry the things we can't. (I'm telling this to myself more than to you.) Even when life isn't good, God is. And that's where your hope needs to be!
