"Honestly, I Need To Be Broken"
(A post from my other blog, written March 2, 2022. I was only adding new posts to that blog at the time, so that's why it wasn't posted here earlier.)
I would like to dedicate the following song to anyone who is breaking down right now - like how I broke down this past weekend, sobbing to my husband about everything that's wrong in life and then vomiting uncontrollably for 11 hours because of tension in my neck that triggers my "throw up" button.
Is anyone else exhausted from trying to bear up under the pressures of this fallen, evil, upside-down, post-Covid world, from watching all their expectations crumble, from feeling like the future is just one big blackhole for you and your kids, from not knowing where to turn or what to do or how to do it anymore, and from knowing that you have to testify against a close relative in court very soon? (Okay, maybe that last one is just me. I've been dizzy every day since just hours before I got the subpoena to appear in court. I'm trying to figure out if it's from stress or something else, like a vitamin deficiency or something.)
Anyway, to anyone else who's breaking down too, I dedicate this song:
"Honestly" by The City Harmonic.
You know what? Breaking down is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, sometimes it's exactly the point we need to get to. Because when we break down, we fall down at the Lord's feet and pour out to Him all the pain in our hearts and we finally give Him room to be God, to handle what we can't handle, to fix what we can't fix, to carry the burdens that are too heavy for us to carry, to comfort our broken, fearful hearts.
It's okay to not be ok. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to feel weak, tiny, and helpless.
Because God is big enough and strong enough and capable enough for us all.
So we don't have to be.
He can handle what we can't.
But the question is, Will we let Him?
From my 2017 post, Broken:
It’s okay to be broken!
I do not regret the things that have broken me.
In suffering, I have learned to let go of control and idols and wayward priorities and the kind of “trust in God” that comes only when I am getting my way. I have learned the difference between gratitude and entitlement, between humble faith and presumptuousness.
I have learned that it’s okay to not know the answers when you know the One who does, to be weak when you are leaning on the One who is strong, to fall apart in front on the One who can put you back together again.
I have learned to trust Him, even in the dark. To cling during the heartbreak and long trials. To praise in the pain, instead of just when things are good and I’m getting what I want. To be as content as possible in the “lack of ...” and in the unfulfilled dreams, because I know that this life isn’t all there is, the best is yet to come.
And you can’t learn these precious lessons during the easy times. But only in the heartbreaking trials.
I do not regret the things that have broken me.
In suffering alone can you learn to say and really mean, “I need You. I trust You, no matter what. Your will be done. It is well with my soul because I know You are there and You are walking with me and You are going to work it out somehow, even if I never see how until eternity. My hope is in You. My joy is in You. Whether You give or take away, blessed be Your name!”
In fact, I have learned how stable He is only by going through times when everything else I trusted in was shaken to pieces, when all my efforts and dreams and hopes failed, when I was forced to simply sit at His feet in exhausted silence instead of trying to force my will on life, when I learned to “be still and know He is God,” even in the storms.
Because nothing else but Him is worth planting my feet on. Nothing else really matters but His presence and comfort and grace.
Going through the world-shaking, sky-falling, self-confidence-crushing trials has taught me to listen more instead of just talking. To follow instead of lead. To transparently and humbly cry out to Him instead of stuffing my feelings and plastering on a “good Christian” smile. To realize just how weak I am, instead of trying to rely on myself. And to realize just how desperately I need Him. Not just need His gifts or His help ... but need Him. Just more of Him.
Even when my world is shaking and the sky falls down around me, my feet are planted on a sure, stable Foundation. The only sure, stable Foundation there is.
I do not regret the things that have broken me.
They are the things that have humbled me. That have made me feel more deeply and purely. Made me reprioritize, remembering that only the eternal things will last. Made me stronger in invisible ways. Made me learn that it’s okay when the bitter is mixed with the sweet, because that’s how life really is. Made me more sensitive to others, more compassionate, more gracious. Made me reach more for my God. Made me learn what faith really is and what it really isn’t, helping me learn to still trust Him in the “no” and the “not yet.” Made me more human, more real. Made me know that I am alive and that pain isn’t all bad and that eternity is right around the corner.
While life might not be easy ... it is worth it! Because of who He is and because of how much He loves us.
And someday, He will welcome us Home and all things will be made right again. And we’ll see the beauty that was wrought from the mess, the perfect that was created from the broken. And we’ll find eternal rest and joy for our souls.
And I can live with messy and broken until then.
I do not regret the things that have broken me.
Life is good (even when it’s not) because God is good. A good, loving, gracious, merciful, forgiving, compassionate God. And it is into His hands that I commit the broken pieces of my heart and my life, trusting Him to turn them into something wonderful. And until then ... I simply cling to Him. Refusing to let go. And even when I don't know what He is doing, I can trust Him. Because I know that He is real. And He is good. And He is love.
Always!
And a few more good songs:
When you find yourself so very broken - no strength to stand, no words to pray, no hope to lean on - you realize the incredible need to surround yourself with encouraging, godly music, letting their songs be the unspoken prayers of your heart, letting them hold you up, clinging to them as a life-ring that keeps you from drowning. In Heaven, The City Harmonic (and Pastor Tony Evans) will be some of the first people I seek out and hug. God helped use them to keep me from going under all the way when I wanted to give up and sink during the worst summer of my life (see the posts on my panic attack and on my "defining moment"). Thank you, City Harmonic. Thank you.:
From The City Harmonic:
Oh, What Love (Always makes me cry. Grace, forgiveness, mercy, healing, hope, purpose ... it's all wrapped up in that amazing love!)
Praise the Lord (This really is a key to getting through the trials with your faith intact, even if it's a bit battered and bruised.)
From Tenth Avenue North:
Healing Begins (I think all our souls could use a little healing right now.)
Hold My Heart (This is totally my prayer! What I've been feeling for a long time.)
Worn (Can anyone else understand the feeling of being tired just from the effort it takes to keep on breathing? He's there, reaching for you, waiting for you to reach out for Him.)
From other artists:
Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle (I've always loved this song!)
Strong Enough by Matthew West (I know I'm not strong enough. But that's okay. Because He is.)
Better Than a Hallelujah by Amy Grant (It's okay to pour your pain out to the Lord. You don't have to hide it from Him.)
Your Hands by JJ Heller (No matter how our world is shaking, we never leave His hands.)
In the Sky by Bob Carlisle (It so helps to remember that life won't go on like this forever. That day is coming soon when Jesus comes back to take us with Him.)
Secret Ambition by Michael W. Smith (Because everyone should watch this video at least three times in their life.)
