A "Parody" Of John Piper's "How to Teach and Preach 'Calvinism'"
Check out this article by John Piper called "How to Teach and Preach 'Calvinism'". Now here is my take on what Piper really means to say, on how Calvinists teach and preach Calvinism:
1. Always point to a Scripture verse, even if it's taken out of context, and say "See, it's in the Bible, so you have to believe it, even if it doesn't make sense." Such as, if you point to a verse with the word "predestined" in it and say "See, the Bible teaches predestination," then they will be more willing to accept Calvinism (without questioning exactly what it is that is "predestined"). The more verses you refer to, the more they'll trust you and the more biblical they'll think Calvinism is.
2. Always associate Calvinism with "the truth" and "the Gospel" and "God's Word" and "God Himself." Tell people "It's okay to struggle with the 'truth' of predestination, to have trouble accepting it. It takes time, so be patient with yourself." This puts the blame on the people for having trouble accepting this as "truth." It sets it up so that if they have trouble accepting it, they'll think something is wrong with them, with their hearts and their faith, not with Calvinism.
(And when all else fails, simply tell them "These things are a mystery that we can never fully understand anyway. They have to be accepted in faith. If God said it in His Word, why is it so hard to accept it!?! Who are you to question God or to talk back to Him anyway!?!" It shuts them up every time because they'll think that disagreeing with Calvinism is the same thing is disagreeing with God, and no good Christian wants to sound like they are disagreeing with God!)
3. Appeal to their emotions with touching, personal stories. Sway them with emotion. And tell them how comforting Calvinism is to you. If they see that it comforts you, instead of scares you, they will be more willing to accept it.
4. Don't refer to John Calvin because people might look him up and learn all about his horrible behavior and personality, and it will repel them and make them doubt Calvinism. Be sure to separate Calvinism from its founder.
Plus, many people think that Calvinism hurts evangelism, because Calvinists believe that God alone predestines where we go, that He causes us to be believers or unbelievers, and that there's nothing we can do to affect our decision or anyone else's decision about Christ. Calvinists believe that we can't make any decisions about Christ, that God makes them for us. And somehow people think this hurts evangelism, the need to go out and tell people of their need to believe in God. I don't get it!
But anyway, make sure to bring up historical Calvinist evangelists. This will make the people think that Calvinism and evangelism really can go hand-in-hand.
5. As I said, emphasize evangelism, but don't tell them that your real reason for evangelizing is simply to "make God famous" and "bring Him glory." Don't tell them that your reason for evangelizing has nothing to do with sharing God's love or Jesus's sacrifice with the world - because remember that as Calvinists, we can't promise them that God loves them or that Jesus died for them.
Because Calvi-god only loves the elect and Calvi-Jesus only died for the elect. So make sure you don't focus on God's love for them or Jesus's sacrifice for them, because we don't know which ones are elect and which aren't.
(If you do end up accidentally saying "God loves you" to your congregation, just let them believe that you mean that God loves all people. Don't tell them that you really mean that God has two kinds of love: a special "save your soul" kind for the elect, and a "gives you food and water" kind for those He predestined to hell. Just let them go on believing for a time that you think God loves all people and wants all people to be saved, like the Bible so often says. This will suck them in more and more, until it's too late for them to get out.)
And whatever you do, don't emphasize having a relationship with Jesus, because that is too man-focused. It makes it sound like we really do matter to God, for more than the glory He can squeeze from us. So always and only focus on "making God famous" and on how much He loves Himself and demands glory and does everything for His glory, not because He really loves us or cares about us or anything like that.
Oh, and don't ever tell people they can or should "accept Jesus in their hearts." This makes it sound like it's a choice. The best we can do is tell them to repent, even though we know that they can only repent if God predestined them for heaven and causes them to repent.
6. In fact, make people feel unhumble if they dare to claim they "accepted Jesus" or "chose to believe in God." Make them feel like they are claiming to be better or smarter than others for believing something like that. Make them feel ashamed, as if they are trying to elevate themselves, glorify themselves, and take credit for their own salvation.
(Remember, we - the elect - have been preselected by God to be saved, from the beginning of time. It was all His doing. There was nothing special or different about us. We did nothing to become saved. We just happened to be one of the few special ones chosen to win the "salvation lottery." Jesus came here to die for us. And only us! And God only really loves us. And only us! And we've done nothing to deserve that love. It's just like how He chose to hate the non-elect before He even created them, to cause them to sin and reject Him and then to condemn them to hell for the sin and unbelief He caused. They've done nothing to deserve it; it was all His doing. Isn't He a good, sovereign God! For showing His justice and wrath to the non-elect by creating them to go to hell, and for showing His loving grace to the elect, by choosing to love and save us. And only us. And we need to be humble about that!)
Remind them that they are saved by God's grace alone. And just leave it at that, as much as possible, stopping short of saying what we really believe: that being saved by grace means that God Himself decides whom to save and whom to damn to hell, that there's nothing we can do about it, and that God's grace is only good news for a very few people. But if you reveal this, it will scare people off. So simply say "We are saved by God's grace alone. You don't want to take credit for your salvation, do you?"
7. Did I mention yet to appeal to their emotions? Be a happy Calvinist. Let them think that those who believe in the "sovereign grace" of God have the most reason to rejoice.
Of course, most people think that "sovereign" means that God is in control over all, that He holds all things in His hands and can work it all out for good. Let them continue to think this for a time.
Don't let them know, until and unless it's absolutely necessary, that what we mean by "sovereign" is not that God is in control over all things, but that He actively controls all things - that He has preplanned and causes everything that happens, that we make no choices on our own but that He makes our choices for us, and that even our choices to sin and to reject Him are preplanned by Him and caused by Him "for His glory."
But since He causes all these bad things "for His glory," even causing sin and unbelief, we can rejoice and praise Him for it, even though it means He damns most people to hell for the things He caused them to do. We don't have to understand how this all works, how God can cause us to sin and to reject Him but then punish us for it, but we just have to accept it because John Calvin God said it's so.
But like I said, don't tell them that. Just keep using the word "grace," because no one dislikes the word "grace." They just won't know that we mean God only has saving grace for a few people.
So remember, talk about grace and be nice and happy and upbeat. They'll be swayed by your friendliness and joy - like the Pied Piper (Pied John Piper!) playing a little tune while the people happily follow him, dancing all the way. But since they feel so happy and since you're so nice, they won't want to doubt you or question you. No one likes to be a downer or a party-pooper.
8. When I say preach using exegesis (letting the Scriptures speak for themselves), I really mean "eisegesis" (reading what you want into the text, twisting it to fit what you want it to say). But tell people you are preaching "exegetically." The big words will confuse people and make you sound really smart, and the people will trust you more. (And whenever possible, use the Greek words of biblical text. This also makes you sound smarter and more credible. They'll be so impressed by your education, they won't think to doubt you.)
And of course, if you preach with the bold conviction that Calvinism is truth, even in the face of verses that contradict Calvinism, then the people will be more likely to accept Calvinism as truth, even in the face of verses that contradict it.
If you appear confident in Calvinism regardless of what the Bible says, then they will be more confident in Calvinism regardless of what the Bible says.
9. But don't use the word "Calvinism" because it's a "red flag" for those in-the-know. It will expose what your real theology is, behind all the layers you use to cover it up and make it sound better. Plus, then people will be able to look up Calvinism on the internet, and they might find all those anti-Calvinist websites.
So as much as possible, avoid that word while you slowly introduce your theology. A little here, a little there. The slower you do it, the more people you can suck into it before they catch on to what Calvinism is really about. If you have to call it anything, call it "the doctrines of grace." That sounds much more appealing than Calvinism.
10. And lastly, refer to famous Calvinists extensively. Quote from them, as much as you do from the Bible, if not more. This helps make Calvinism seem more legitimate and widespread, as if everyone believes in it. And the more that people hear the big names of popular Calvinists (people are easily swayed by "name recognition"), the more they'll trust that it's the truth.
And remember especially to focus on Calvinists known for evangelism and missions, because we want people to think that Calvinism really does blend nicely with evangelism and missions (even if our reason for doing it is far different than what people think it should be).
And remember especially to focus on Calvinists known for evangelism and missions, because we want people to think that Calvinism really does blend nicely with evangelism and missions (even if our reason for doing it is far different than what people think it should be).
And also focus on Calvinists who emphasize holiness, because this makes Calvinism seem more God-honoring. And every good Christian wants to honor God, so they will end up thinking that Calvinism is the best - and only - way to do it.
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My conclusion: If you have to try so hard to disguise your theology, to carefully strategize how to preach it, and to cover it up with more pleasant-sounding ideas, maybe that's because THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT!!!
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