Let's See ... What Else Can We Destroy To Save Christmas?
Okay, so we've already attacked "Merry Christmas" because it's got "Christ" in the title. We've made sure to take down any crosses in any public Christmas decorations because that would be "forcing religion" on people. We've removed references to religious Christmas songs from school holiday programs. We've banned the colors red and green because of how Christmasy they are and banned candy canes because candy canes were clearly created to turn people into Christians against their wills. We've protected people from the "graphic or violent" image of Santa kneeling before baby Jesus. And now we've decimated that wretched, racist rat, Charlie Brown.
Hmm ... What else can we destroy in order to save Christmas?
(Umm, I mean "the holidays." But, hey, did you know that the word "holiday" actually comes from Old English words for "holy day." And, of course, "holy" is actually all about God. So you are still referring to God when you say "Happy Holidays." Ha-ha-ha! Thought you were getting away from religious greetings, didn't ya!?!)
Okay, now ... so how about boycotting Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, for all its bigoted, racist messages? All these years we've been perpetuating bigotry and racism during the holidays without even knowing it! Thank you, social justice warriors, for opening our eyes to the truth!
And how about we boycott the classic Christmas song "Baby, It's Cold Outside" for its horrendous, pro-sexual-assault message! I mean, come on, it's clearly about men abusing women. Because, of course, any man that's trying to convince the woman he loves to stay a little longer must be doing it solely for the purpose of forcibly sexually-assaulting her later. Because, let's be honest, men never have good or loving intentions! All they ever want to do is dominate and control!
But ... honestly ... have you ever really listened to that song? To how coy and flirty that woman is? She knows exactly what she's doing! She wants to stay, but she wants him to beg her to stay. She's no weak, easily-over-powered, wilting flower. She's playing him, and you can tell she wears the pants in that relationship. That's a song about "girl power." So don't worry about her!
(And ... c'mon you progressive thinkers ... is it really fair to assume that the man is actually a man and that the woman is actually a woman? Maybe it's a transgender woman trying to convince a transgender man to stay a little longer. So this isn't really about a man dominating a woman. It's about a woman dominating a man. Once again ... "girl power"! Well, "boy is a girl" power. Feminists, rejoice!)
But why stop at Rudolph and "Baby, It's Cold Outside"? Why not destroy Frosty the Snowman (satire) while we're at it? Because he's clearly so much worse than Rudolph.
Okay ... now there's got to be more that we can boycott and tear down, people! Help me! Think, think. There's got to be more. Let's go through every classic holiday song and program we know to dig up any and every bit of racism, sexism, misogynism, etc.. If we try hard enough, we cantwist everything into something offensive uncover all the offensive messages that need to be exposed and destroyed. And it's our civic duty to do this! We simply can't let these atrocities continue any longer, not when there are impressionable young minds being filled with this garbage every year!
Okay, so next up on our "Save Christmas Boycott List" should definitely be "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"!
It has the most unacceptable of words in it:
Christmas! Christ ... mas.
And doesn't "mas" mean "more" in Spanish? So every time we say "Christmas," we are actually saying "more Christ!" So whether you want it or not, you are unconsciously asking for more of Jesus Christ in your life every time you say "Christmas."
And ... "Merry" ... come on, now ... that sounds like the girl's name "Mary."
You know ... "Mary," the mother of Jesus. That's so obviously just another way that the song is trying to subconsciously manipulate people into becoming Christians!
And "little"? Why are you wishing me a "little" Christmas? How selfish! I bet you're having a "big" Christmas, but all you wish me is a "little" Christmas! Cough up a wish for a "big" Christmas, you greedy, stingy, capitalist scum!
"Joy To The World" ... Joy! Another girl's name. Why can't it be a less sexist, less gender-specific word like "Happiness"?
"Happiness To The World"
But wait ... that is extremely insensitive to the hungry people of the world. Because you can't eat happiness! That's as insensitive as offering to pray for hurting people. Okay, so let's see ... how about "Yogurt"? That's healthy.
"Yogurt To The World"
But wait ... what about those who don't have refrigeration? Once again, how insensitive can I be!?! Okay ... we need something that lasts for a while without refrigeration.
"Potatoes To The World"
Wait, no ... that might offend the Irish, reminding them of that terrible, historic potato famine. (Why haven't potatoes been banned yet? They are just too much of a trigger word for some people.)
"Oatmeal To The World"
Umm, no. Oatmeal can contain traces of gluten. Insensitive to the gluten-intolerant people.
Oh, I know ... "High-Fructose Corn Syrup To The World." That's perfect. It's cheap. It's easy to make. It's genetically-modified, so it's makes the scientists happy and keeps the big Frankenstein Agricultural Businesses in business. And it's already in everything anyway. (I mean, why give actual corn to people when you can give them genetically-modified, heavily-processed corn syrup? Gotta feed the world, you know!)
Okay, onto other huge, intolerable offenses:
What about "Little Drummer Boy"? Aren't we assuming his gender is male? I mean, seriously, how unprogressed can we be!?! And how condescending to call him "little."
So I suggest the more sensitive, inclusive, politically-correct "Very Big and Significant Drummer Boy or Girl or Boy-Girl or Girl-Boy or Other, depending on how he or she or he-she or she-he or it feels today."
We want to make sure to include it all, you know, because we never know who we might offend if we say it wrong. And what's true today, might not be true tomorrow. Boy today, girl tomorrow. Who are we to judge? To determine what their "truth" is?
(Of course, I am assuming here that the Little Drummer Boy is one of those people who can't tolerate anything they don't agree with and don't like, who melt down into a whiny, screaming-at-the-sky mess over the slightest insult or disagreeable thing. But maybe not. Maybe he's Old School. Maybe he can handle hearing things he doesn't agree with. Maybe he can tolerate different opinions and laws he doesn't like. Maybe he knows how to compromise and cooperate with people "on the other side," knowing that we all take our turns getting our way and not getting our way. Maybe he's okay with just being called "Little Drummer Boy." But ... probably not!)
"Hark, the Herald Angels Sing" ... sounds too much like "Harold Angels." Harold is traditionally a guy's name. So this is clearly another way of saying "Hark, the Male Angels Sing." Why is it just male angels? Where are the female angels? So misogynistic! And once again, how dare we assume genders!
(Maybe you think this one is a bit of a stretch. But wake up, people. It's brilliant because it's so subtle, so subliminal. It bypasses all your defenses and gets into your subconscious without you even realizing it. And before you know it, you are singing about domineering male angels who have taken all the singing roles away from the poor female angels. Not only are you being manipulated into declaring that there's such a thing as "gender," but you are being subliminally forced into supporting male dominance. It's brilliant!)
Hmm, let's see. What else?
Oh, I know ... "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." It's clearly about God favoring men, offering rest to only the men. Sexist! And only to merry men, happy men. But that's not fair because if they're already happy then they're probably already pretty rested and peaceful. So why should God give them rest when there are plenty of unhappy, exhausted people who need it? How unfair and elitist! How anti-woman and anti-socialistic - giving rest only to the happy men instead of to everyone equally! (Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Bernie Sanders would be so disappointed!)
"What Child Is This?" ... Isn't that just assuming the child's age? What if the child doesn't identity as a young child!?! Or even as a human child!?! What if he identifies as a wise, old howler monkey? Come on, people, I thought we were more progressed than that!?!
(Seriously, when are we going to make it a federal crime to base our perceptions of someone on how old they appear to be, what gender they were born with, what species they appear to be, etc.? We need some new, progressive governmental laws to tell us how to think ... or else we might be tempted to believe in things like "truth" and "facts" and "reality" and "biology." And that would just be shameful. Intolerable! So unprogressed!)
"Do You Hear What I Hear?" ... Seriously!?! ... "Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy ..."? It sounds a little insensitive to people who want to believe in talking lambs. It's almost like you're mocking them: "Do you hear what I hear!?! Talking lambs? Oh, you don't? That's because I'm crazy! (Insert condescending laugh here.)"
Have a heart, people! Just because we don't hear the talking lambs doesn't mean they don't hear the talking lambs. Their reality isn't ours, and ours isn't theirs. And who are we to judge what's true and real for someone else! What if that little "talking" lamb is their pet or their best friend? Once again, who are we to judge!?! You don't want to be an intolerant bigot, do you?
Oh my, I just thought of a really bad one: "We Wish You A Merry Christmas." Of course, we already talked about the horrors of "Merry" (read: Mary) and "Christmas" (read: "more Christ").
(And how could anyone be so insensitive as to wish "Merry Christmas" on anyone? It's almost as bad as saying "God bless you" when someone sneezes. What if they don't want your good wishes and generosity at Christmas-time? What if they want to be ignored or to get bad wishes? A little more sensitivity, please, people!)
But this song is also encouraging terrible social behavior. I mean, seriously, who does this stuff!?! Who acts like this!?!
You see, there's this mob that shows up unexpectedly and uninvited outside the door of some unsuspecting homeowner who's just trying to live his life. And they're acting like they just want to love on the homeowner and sing him a pleasant Christmas song.
"Hey look! We're all tolerant and loving. We just want to be friends and sing you a nice song."
But once he opens the door, they start demanding that he gives them his figgy pudding. But they don't ask for it politely, like "Would you possibly have some extra figgy pudding lying around that you could share with us, please, kind sir? We've been singing for a long time, and we're tired and hungry, and figgy pudding sounds good, and we heard you make the best figgy pudding ever!"
No, that would be too weak! Too wimpy! It would leave too much room for him to resist. And to their way of thinking, a man like that who's not willing to give them his figgy pudding when they demand it doesn't deserve that kind of respect.
"GIVE US YOUR FIGGY PUDDING NOW, YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS SCUM!!!"
The mob gets aggressive. They demand and yell ... because ... well ... obviously they think the way to spread love, tolerance, and open-mindedness is to aggressively force this man to love and tolerate them and their demands, to force him to be open-minded about the fact that he should only have the rights they want him to have. And obviously, they think that those who yell loudest and longest are clearly right and will end up convincing everyone else they're right!
And when he still doesn't give them the figgy pudding, they threaten mob action. They threaten to NEVER LEAVE ... until he learns to fall in line with their demands.
"You really think you own that figgy pudding!?! That you have a right to do whatever you want with your figgy pudding!?! That you can say 'no' to us when we demand your figgy pudding!?! Think again, you intolerant bigot! Now be a good, loving, open-minded citizen and give us what we demand! We're not leaving until you give us the figgy pudding we deserve. And if you don't, then you will be responsible for the consequences, for forcing us to destroy your reputation and business and life!"
I also suspect that they are marching around in a little circle outside his house, holding up signs laced with words like "figgy-phobic" and "intolerant" and "bully." And they probably went to his house expecting him to say "no." They probably didn't even want the figgy pudding in the first place. They probably wanted him to say "no" so that they could trap him, punish him as an example of what happens to those who resist them so that everyone else would be too afraid to ever stand against them in the future. They're probably even wearing hidden microphones to record him saying "no," so that they can use it against him in court. And you just know they are streaming all this on social media to create outrage. To destroy this man and his reputation and life. All because he thought he had the right to withhold figgy pudding!
I mean, seriously, what a dangerous song! Is this how we should act when things don't go our way!?! When people disagree with us or don't do what we want them to do!?! Seriously, who does that!?!
(Waaiit a minute ...!?!)
Anyway, moving on ...
What about that demented song "Here Comes Santa Claus"? Isn't that just teaching people that it's okay for men you've never met in person to sneak into your house at night while you are sleeping? To watch you all year long, when you don't realize you're being watched?
And we teach our kids to reward this kind of sick, dangerous behavior with what? Milk and cookies! What's wrong with us!?!
Santa Claus? More like "Peeping Tom."
Jolly old St. Nick? More like a "Breaking-and-Entering Perverted Felon."
(You know why he laughs so much? Because he's been watching you all year and knows what you've been doing! And because he knows he'll never get caught because no one has actually seen him in person! No ... He's hiding in a mysterious location in the North Pole with his elf-slaves all year. And when he does come down by us, he flies over our houses in a sleigh with flying reindeer so that the police can't surround him with their squad cars. How can you arrest someone you can't catch? Diabolical!)
(Oh my goodness, I see why everyone spends all day finding things to be offended about. This is fun!)
"Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire" - insensitive racism, talking about how people dress up like Eskimos. So wrong! And ageism ... Wishing "Merry Christmas" only to "kids from one to ninety-two." Seriously, only a heartless monster would leave out the tiny babies and the really, really old people. So not fair! And "fire" ... trigger word for those afraid of fire!
"It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year" - smug, condescending, judgmental, and exclusive!
"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" and "Jingle Bell Rock" ... Come on, people ... Rock!?! Can we pick a music style that's a little less white!?! Why not jazz or rap or rhythm & blues? Talk about white supremacy! And what's with that "Christmas Tree" thing? Way can't it be a "Holiday Branch"? It's more inclusive and eco-friendly that way. "Rappin' Around The Holiday Branch" has a nice ring to it!
"Up On The Housetop" ... so many problems with this one. Only including what's clearly a boy and girl, and none of the other genders! Giving them names that sound too gender-specific: Will and Nell! Giving them toys that are gender-specific: a doll for the girl, and hammer, tacks, a ball, and a whip for the boy! And ... seriously ... what's that about!?! Giving the boy a hammer and a whip!?! What are you encouraging by giving him such violent toys as a hammer and a whip!?! Demented! And what's the girl get? One, stupid, girly dolly. The boy gets like four things, and the girl gets one. Male supremacy rears its ugly head once again! Unfair capitalism, too! And "ho-ho-ho"? Seriously!?! It's so not acceptable to refer to women like that! This song has got to go!
"I Saw Momma Kissing Santa Claus" ... This is just teaching kids that it's okay for your mom to cheat on your dad. It even encourages laughing about it! The kid wishes his dad would see his mom cheating and that the dad would find it delightful! What kind of sick song is this!?! (Although, I guess only a snobbish, un-progressed prude would look down on extra-marital affairs. It's so much more progressive to allow anything and everything, to place no rules around "love." Don't judge! Don't judge!)
"Santa Bring My Baby Back To Me" ... What is this? The 1950's? Nobody calls me "baby"! It's so derogatory, and it clearly celebrates patriarchy and the suppression of women!
"Santa Baby" ... We all just KNOW there's something very wrong with this song. It's just ... wrong ... so wrong. Enough said!
Hey, you know what else we could boycott?
Snow! Winter itself!
I mean, think about it ... Snow is white. Winter covers everything in white.
Talk about white supremacy!
And that song "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!"?
It's really just saying "White supremacy! White supremacy! White supremacy!"
"I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas" - racist!
(And isn't "snow" a slang word for an illegal drug? So not only does this song celebrate white supremacy, but it's also encouraging illegal drug use!)
How dare snow and winter think they can make everything white!
I think everyone should show their disapproval by moving down south where it doesn't snow.
But wait ...
Don't go to Georgia because that's a girl's name. And if you support Georgia then it's like you are supporting the female gender. And we all know there is no gender! So we can't support anything that sounds too feminine or too masculine.
So I guess Louisiana is out too ... because that sounds like Louise and Anna. Two girl names.
And the Carolinas are out because ... come on ... "Sweet Caroline" ... another reference to a girl's name.
I also don't think we should support Mississippi because its capital is Jackson. A common boy's name. The whole state is ruled by a patriarchy. And we can't have that!
My goodness ... I never realized how sexist so many of our states are!
And until now, I never realized how bigoted and sexist and offensive so many of our classic holiday movies and characters are. But, phew, thankfully we have all those ultra-sensitive, progressed people out there (those "social justice warriors") keeping an eye out for the rest of us unprogressed people, informing us all on social media of what's no longer acceptable in this ultra-PC culture.
Down with Charlie Brown, Rudolph, and Frosty! With cross decorations, Christmas songs, and candy canes!
Yeah ... we've "progressed" too far to tolerate any of that nonsense anymore.
You know what, we should have laws making it illegal for anyone to pass these classic shows and songs on to their kids. We don't need to spread this insanity!
I mean, of course, everyone deserves to have their rights ... except those we don't agree with and those who offend others and those who support things that are offensive to anyone ... at any time ... in any way. (Did we learn nothing from the figgy pudding story!?!)
Aren't the holidays so much brighter now!
Thank you, social justice warriors, for making this world a better place! Where would we be without you!?!
Okay, now ... after much researching, I think I have finally found the perfect Christmas songs. No one can be offended by any of the Christmas messages in these songs! Enjoy!
Christmas Song #1
Christmas Song #2
Christmas Song #3
Christmas Song #4
Christmas Song #5
And now ... seriously ... what are we going to do about all that white snow?
(And yes ... I did write this merely for my own amusement!)
Hmm ... What else can we destroy in order to save Christmas?
(Umm, I mean "the holidays." But, hey, did you know that the word "holiday" actually comes from Old English words for "holy day." And, of course, "holy" is actually all about God. So you are still referring to God when you say "Happy Holidays." Ha-ha-ha! Thought you were getting away from religious greetings, didn't ya!?!)
Okay, now ... so how about boycotting Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, for all its bigoted, racist messages? All these years we've been perpetuating bigotry and racism during the holidays without even knowing it! Thank you, social justice warriors, for opening our eyes to the truth!
And how about we boycott the classic Christmas song "Baby, It's Cold Outside" for its horrendous, pro-sexual-assault message! I mean, come on, it's clearly about men abusing women. Because, of course, any man that's trying to convince the woman he loves to stay a little longer must be doing it solely for the purpose of forcibly sexually-assaulting her later. Because, let's be honest, men never have good or loving intentions! All they ever want to do is dominate and control!
But ... honestly ... have you ever really listened to that song? To how coy and flirty that woman is? She knows exactly what she's doing! She wants to stay, but she wants him to beg her to stay. She's no weak, easily-over-powered, wilting flower. She's playing him, and you can tell she wears the pants in that relationship. That's a song about "girl power." So don't worry about her!
(And ... c'mon you progressive thinkers ... is it really fair to assume that the man is actually a man and that the woman is actually a woman? Maybe it's a transgender woman trying to convince a transgender man to stay a little longer. So this isn't really about a man dominating a woman. It's about a woman dominating a man. Once again ... "girl power"! Well, "boy is a girl" power. Feminists, rejoice!)
But why stop at Rudolph and "Baby, It's Cold Outside"? Why not destroy Frosty the Snowman (satire) while we're at it? Because he's clearly so much worse than Rudolph.
Okay ... now there's got to be more that we can boycott and tear down, people! Help me! Think, think. There's got to be more. Let's go through every classic holiday song and program we know to dig up any and every bit of racism, sexism, misogynism, etc.. If we try hard enough, we can
Well, of course, we could rage about Santa's sweat shop workshop - making all those poor elves work for him 365 days a year, with no break? Making them do all the hard work while he gets all the glory!?! Giving them ... what? ... only candy canes and fruitcake to eat all year? (Forcing fruitcake on anyone ought to be a crime in and of itself!) And trying to force Jesus on them all by making them listen to Christmas music and feeding them "Jesus candy canes"!?!
Wretched!
Do you know why Santa set up hissweat shop workshop in the North Pole? Because it makes it much harder for government agents to do a raid to free the slaves elves.
Wait a minute ... did you ever notice that the only difference between "slave" and "elves" - other than the order of the letters - is that one has an "a" while the other has an "e"?
Wretched!
Do you know why Santa set up his
Wait a minute ... did you ever notice that the only difference between "slave" and "elves" - other than the order of the letters - is that one has an "a" while the other has an "e"?
Hmm?
Elves ... Slave?
Santa ... Satan?
Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!
You know what we need to do? Get our "Down With White Male Patriarchy" picket signs and our "Free the Elves" sandwich boards and go to the North Pole and march around Santa's workshop, streaming it all live on social media to make sure everyone sees all the injustices and offensive things happening there. And then maybe we can get Santa fired from his job!
You're welcome, people of the world! You're welcome.
Making the holidays better ... righting one wrong at a time!
Okay, so next up on our "Save Christmas Boycott List" should definitely be "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"!
It has the most unacceptable of words in it:
Christmas! Christ ... mas.
And doesn't "mas" mean "more" in Spanish? So every time we say "Christmas," we are actually saying "more Christ!" So whether you want it or not, you are unconsciously asking for more of Jesus Christ in your life every time you say "Christmas."
And ... "Merry" ... come on, now ... that sounds like the girl's name "Mary."
You know ... "Mary," the mother of Jesus. That's so obviously just another way that the song is trying to subconsciously manipulate people into becoming Christians!
And "little"? Why are you wishing me a "little" Christmas? How selfish! I bet you're having a "big" Christmas, but all you wish me is a "little" Christmas! Cough up a wish for a "big" Christmas, you greedy, stingy, capitalist scum!
"Joy To The World" ... Joy! Another girl's name. Why can't it be a less sexist, less gender-specific word like "Happiness"?
"Happiness To The World"
But wait ... that is extremely insensitive to the hungry people of the world. Because you can't eat happiness! That's as insensitive as offering to pray for hurting people. Okay, so let's see ... how about "Yogurt"? That's healthy.
"Yogurt To The World"
But wait ... what about those who don't have refrigeration? Once again, how insensitive can I be!?! Okay ... we need something that lasts for a while without refrigeration.
"Potatoes To The World"
Wait, no ... that might offend the Irish, reminding them of that terrible, historic potato famine. (Why haven't potatoes been banned yet? They are just too much of a trigger word for some people.)
"Oatmeal To The World"
Umm, no. Oatmeal can contain traces of gluten. Insensitive to the gluten-intolerant people.
Oh, I know ... "High-Fructose Corn Syrup To The World." That's perfect. It's cheap. It's easy to make. It's genetically-modified, so it's makes the scientists happy and keeps the big Frankenstein Agricultural Businesses in business. And it's already in everything anyway. (I mean, why give actual corn to people when you can give them genetically-modified, heavily-processed corn syrup? Gotta feed the world, you know!)
Okay, onto other huge, intolerable offenses:
What about "Little Drummer Boy"? Aren't we assuming his gender is male? I mean, seriously, how unprogressed can we be!?! And how condescending to call him "little."
So I suggest the more sensitive, inclusive, politically-correct "Very Big and Significant Drummer Boy or Girl or Boy-Girl or Girl-Boy or Other, depending on how he or she or he-she or she-he or it feels today."
We want to make sure to include it all, you know, because we never know who we might offend if we say it wrong. And what's true today, might not be true tomorrow. Boy today, girl tomorrow. Who are we to judge? To determine what their "truth" is?
(Of course, I am assuming here that the Little Drummer Boy is one of those people who can't tolerate anything they don't agree with and don't like, who melt down into a whiny, screaming-at-the-sky mess over the slightest insult or disagreeable thing. But maybe not. Maybe he's Old School. Maybe he can handle hearing things he doesn't agree with. Maybe he can tolerate different opinions and laws he doesn't like. Maybe he knows how to compromise and cooperate with people "on the other side," knowing that we all take our turns getting our way and not getting our way. Maybe he's okay with just being called "Little Drummer Boy." But ... probably not!)
"Hark, the Herald Angels Sing" ... sounds too much like "Harold Angels." Harold is traditionally a guy's name. So this is clearly another way of saying "Hark, the Male Angels Sing." Why is it just male angels? Where are the female angels? So misogynistic! And once again, how dare we assume genders!
(Maybe you think this one is a bit of a stretch. But wake up, people. It's brilliant because it's so subtle, so subliminal. It bypasses all your defenses and gets into your subconscious without you even realizing it. And before you know it, you are singing about domineering male angels who have taken all the singing roles away from the poor female angels. Not only are you being manipulated into declaring that there's such a thing as "gender," but you are being subliminally forced into supporting male dominance. It's brilliant!)
Hmm, let's see. What else?
Oh, I know ... "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." It's clearly about God favoring men, offering rest to only the men. Sexist! And only to merry men, happy men. But that's not fair because if they're already happy then they're probably already pretty rested and peaceful. So why should God give them rest when there are plenty of unhappy, exhausted people who need it? How unfair and elitist! How anti-woman and anti-socialistic - giving rest only to the happy men instead of to everyone equally! (Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Bernie Sanders would be so disappointed!)
"What Child Is This?" ... Isn't that just assuming the child's age? What if the child doesn't identity as a young child!?! Or even as a human child!?! What if he identifies as a wise, old howler monkey? Come on, people, I thought we were more progressed than that!?!
(Seriously, when are we going to make it a federal crime to base our perceptions of someone on how old they appear to be, what gender they were born with, what species they appear to be, etc.? We need some new, progressive governmental laws to tell us how to think ... or else we might be tempted to believe in things like "truth" and "facts" and "reality" and "biology." And that would just be shameful. Intolerable! So unprogressed!)
"Do You Hear What I Hear?" ... Seriously!?! ... "Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy ..."? It sounds a little insensitive to people who want to believe in talking lambs. It's almost like you're mocking them: "Do you hear what I hear!?! Talking lambs? Oh, you don't? That's because I'm crazy! (Insert condescending laugh here.)"
Have a heart, people! Just because we don't hear the talking lambs doesn't mean they don't hear the talking lambs. Their reality isn't ours, and ours isn't theirs. And who are we to judge what's true and real for someone else! What if that little "talking" lamb is their pet or their best friend? Once again, who are we to judge!?! You don't want to be an intolerant bigot, do you?
Oh my, I just thought of a really bad one: "We Wish You A Merry Christmas." Of course, we already talked about the horrors of "Merry" (read: Mary) and "Christmas" (read: "more Christ").
(And how could anyone be so insensitive as to wish "Merry Christmas" on anyone? It's almost as bad as saying "God bless you" when someone sneezes. What if they don't want your good wishes and generosity at Christmas-time? What if they want to be ignored or to get bad wishes? A little more sensitivity, please, people!)
But this song is also encouraging terrible social behavior. I mean, seriously, who does this stuff!?! Who acts like this!?!
You see, there's this mob that shows up unexpectedly and uninvited outside the door of some unsuspecting homeowner who's just trying to live his life. And they're acting like they just want to love on the homeowner and sing him a pleasant Christmas song.
"Hey look! We're all tolerant and loving. We just want to be friends and sing you a nice song."
But once he opens the door, they start demanding that he gives them his figgy pudding. But they don't ask for it politely, like "Would you possibly have some extra figgy pudding lying around that you could share with us, please, kind sir? We've been singing for a long time, and we're tired and hungry, and figgy pudding sounds good, and we heard you make the best figgy pudding ever!"
No, that would be too weak! Too wimpy! It would leave too much room for him to resist. And to their way of thinking, a man like that who's not willing to give them his figgy pudding when they demand it doesn't deserve that kind of respect.
"GIVE US YOUR FIGGY PUDDING NOW, YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS SCUM!!!"
The mob gets aggressive. They demand and yell ... because ... well ... obviously they think the way to spread love, tolerance, and open-mindedness is to aggressively force this man to love and tolerate them and their demands, to force him to be open-minded about the fact that he should only have the rights they want him to have. And obviously, they think that those who yell loudest and longest are clearly right and will end up convincing everyone else they're right!
And when he still doesn't give them the figgy pudding, they threaten mob action. They threaten to NEVER LEAVE ... until he learns to fall in line with their demands.
"You really think you own that figgy pudding!?! That you have a right to do whatever you want with your figgy pudding!?! That you can say 'no' to us when we demand your figgy pudding!?! Think again, you intolerant bigot! Now be a good, loving, open-minded citizen and give us what we demand! We're not leaving until you give us the figgy pudding we deserve. And if you don't, then you will be responsible for the consequences, for forcing us to destroy your reputation and business and life!"
(Of course, that's not in the actual lyrics. But it's there between the lines.)
I also suspect that they are marching around in a little circle outside his house, holding up signs laced with words like "figgy-phobic" and "intolerant" and "bully." And they probably went to his house expecting him to say "no." They probably didn't even want the figgy pudding in the first place. They probably wanted him to say "no" so that they could trap him, punish him as an example of what happens to those who resist them so that everyone else would be too afraid to ever stand against them in the future. They're probably even wearing hidden microphones to record him saying "no," so that they can use it against him in court. And you just know they are streaming all this on social media to create outrage. To destroy this man and his reputation and life. All because he thought he had the right to withhold figgy pudding!
I mean, seriously, what a dangerous song! Is this how we should act when things don't go our way!?! When people disagree with us or don't do what we want them to do!?! Seriously, who does that!?!
(Waaiit a minute ...!?!)
Anyway, moving on ...
What about that demented song "Here Comes Santa Claus"? Isn't that just teaching people that it's okay for men you've never met in person to sneak into your house at night while you are sleeping? To watch you all year long, when you don't realize you're being watched?
And we teach our kids to reward this kind of sick, dangerous behavior with what? Milk and cookies! What's wrong with us!?!
Santa Claus? More like "Peeping Tom."
Jolly old St. Nick? More like a "Breaking-and-Entering Perverted Felon."
(You know why he laughs so much? Because he's been watching you all year and knows what you've been doing! And because he knows he'll never get caught because no one has actually seen him in person! No ... He's hiding in a mysterious location in the North Pole with his elf-slaves all year. And when he does come down by us, he flies over our houses in a sleigh with flying reindeer so that the police can't surround him with their squad cars. How can you arrest someone you can't catch? Diabolical!)
(Oh my goodness, I see why everyone spends all day finding things to be offended about. This is fun!)
"Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire" - insensitive racism, talking about how people dress up like Eskimos. So wrong! And ageism ... Wishing "Merry Christmas" only to "kids from one to ninety-two." Seriously, only a heartless monster would leave out the tiny babies and the really, really old people. So not fair! And "fire" ... trigger word for those afraid of fire!
"It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year" - smug, condescending, judgmental, and exclusive!
"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" and "Jingle Bell Rock" ... Come on, people ... Rock!?! Can we pick a music style that's a little less white!?! Why not jazz or rap or rhythm & blues? Talk about white supremacy! And what's with that "Christmas Tree" thing? Way can't it be a "Holiday Branch"? It's more inclusive and eco-friendly that way. "Rappin' Around The Holiday Branch" has a nice ring to it!
"Up On The Housetop" ... so many problems with this one. Only including what's clearly a boy and girl, and none of the other genders! Giving them names that sound too gender-specific: Will and Nell! Giving them toys that are gender-specific: a doll for the girl, and hammer, tacks, a ball, and a whip for the boy! And ... seriously ... what's that about!?! Giving the boy a hammer and a whip!?! What are you encouraging by giving him such violent toys as a hammer and a whip!?! Demented! And what's the girl get? One, stupid, girly dolly. The boy gets like four things, and the girl gets one. Male supremacy rears its ugly head once again! Unfair capitalism, too! And "ho-ho-ho"? Seriously!?! It's so not acceptable to refer to women like that! This song has got to go!
"I Saw Momma Kissing Santa Claus" ... This is just teaching kids that it's okay for your mom to cheat on your dad. It even encourages laughing about it! The kid wishes his dad would see his mom cheating and that the dad would find it delightful! What kind of sick song is this!?! (Although, I guess only a snobbish, un-progressed prude would look down on extra-marital affairs. It's so much more progressive to allow anything and everything, to place no rules around "love." Don't judge! Don't judge!)
"Santa Bring My Baby Back To Me" ... What is this? The 1950's? Nobody calls me "baby"! It's so derogatory, and it clearly celebrates patriarchy and the suppression of women!
"Santa Baby" ... We all just KNOW there's something very wrong with this song. It's just ... wrong ... so wrong. Enough said!
Hey, you know what else we could boycott?
Snow! Winter itself!
I mean, think about it ... Snow is white. Winter covers everything in white.
Talk about white supremacy!
And that song "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!"?
It's really just saying "White supremacy! White supremacy! White supremacy!"
"I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas" - racist!
(And isn't "snow" a slang word for an illegal drug? So not only does this song celebrate white supremacy, but it's also encouraging illegal drug use!)
How dare snow and winter think they can make everything white!
I think everyone should show their disapproval by moving down south where it doesn't snow.
But wait ...
Don't go to Georgia because that's a girl's name. And if you support Georgia then it's like you are supporting the female gender. And we all know there is no gender! So we can't support anything that sounds too feminine or too masculine.
So I guess Louisiana is out too ... because that sounds like Louise and Anna. Two girl names.
And the Carolinas are out because ... come on ... "Sweet Caroline" ... another reference to a girl's name.
I also don't think we should support Mississippi because its capital is Jackson. A common boy's name. The whole state is ruled by a patriarchy. And we can't have that!
My goodness ... I never realized how sexist so many of our states are!
And until now, I never realized how bigoted and sexist and offensive so many of our classic holiday movies and characters are. But, phew, thankfully we have all those ultra-sensitive, progressed people out there (those "social justice warriors") keeping an eye out for the rest of us unprogressed people, informing us all on social media of what's no longer acceptable in this ultra-PC culture.
Down with Charlie Brown, Rudolph, and Frosty! With cross decorations, Christmas songs, and candy canes!
Yeah ... we've "progressed" too far to tolerate any of that nonsense anymore.
You know what, we should have laws making it illegal for anyone to pass these classic shows and songs on to their kids. We don't need to spread this insanity!
I mean, of course, everyone deserves to have their rights ... except those we don't agree with and those who offend others and those who support things that are offensive to anyone ... at any time ... in any way. (Did we learn nothing from the figgy pudding story!?!)
Aren't the holidays so much brighter now!
Thank you, social justice warriors, for making this world a better place! Where would we be without you!?!
Okay, now ... after much researching, I think I have finally found the perfect Christmas songs. No one can be offended by any of the Christmas messages in these songs! Enjoy!
Christmas Song #1
Christmas Song #2
Christmas Song #3
Christmas Song #4
Christmas Song #5
And now ... seriously ... what are we going to do about all that white snow?
(And yes ... I did write this merely for my own amusement!)
