Just Gotta Say I Feel Good Today
I just gotta say that I feel pretty good today. It's been awhile since I've felt so ... relieved, I guess.
And I think it really helped to vent the other day. To complain a bit. To not have to try so hard to filter everything I say. (And yet, I did filter. I was careful.) But it felt good to be honest. As honest as I could be.
And it helped that an eye visit for two of my sons (right after I wrote that post)went well.
Given all the "waiting for the next pummeling" that I tend to feel every day, I have a really hard time handling some of the most basic things that other people can easily handle. Last minute changes in plans throw me for a loop. Too many things scheduled in one week (say, 2-3 things) stresses me out. Being asked "How are you doing?" makes me want to activate my cloaking device. Allowing the kids to drive in a car with anyone other than me or my husband freaks me out. (I used to be so enthusiastic, optimistic, confident, and sure of myself. My, how I've fallen!)
Even something as simple and common as scheduling their first eye visit makes me want to panic. It makes me want to start crying and crawl in a hole. It makes me pray that Jesus would come back again before we have to go in for the visit. (And don't even get me started about the panic before a dentist visit. During our last visit in 2017 when I was still feeling so weak from my 2016 summer, there was some kid getting his teeth pulled ... and he screamed the whole time! Violent, terrified screams! I was still feeling so broken from the previous summer and from my ongoing severe anxiety that I almost starting throwing up and passing out. It was BAD!)
I think planning a doctor's visit of any kind just makes me feel so vulnerable. I feel like I am opening the door to something bad, like they will find something wrong with one of my kids ... and then that tiny little bit of stability I feel will shatter into a million pieces and I'll break so bad that I won't be able to stand or get out of bed. (I've been there before, and it's not fun.)
I just don't feel strong enough to face life sometimes.
I mean, I trust the Lord; I just don't trust me anymore.
I know that our strength and identity and stability is supposed to be found in the Lord. And I have done that. I know who I am in Jesus and where I am going.
But I'm also still learning to live in the "not yet." Where things aren't what they're "supposed to be." Where God hasn't fixed all wrongs yet. Where pain and death still affect us. Where life constantly throws you curveballs and smashes you in the head with a baseball bat every now and then, just for fun.
Too many curveballs makes you begin to constantly feel unsure of which way to go next. Getting hit upside the head by a baseball bat too many times makes you scared of every step you take. It makes you flinch a lot on the inside when you have to face anything new. It makes you want to hunker down and not rock any boats, not make any changes.
Sometimes, I just want to pause life when I come to even the tiniest "good moment." I don't even care if it's a happy moment, just so long as it's not an overly unhappy moment.
I've even put off watching the last episode of a TV series I have on DVD just because I haven't been ready to "say goodbye" to it yet. I've enjoyed this series. It's been with me for a long time. It helped me through my worst year ever (2016). It helped calm the ongoing daily anxiety I felt as a result of that worst year ever. And I was sad when I came to the last episode.
So I wouldn't watch it. For months. I was happy just to let it sit there in its case, knowing that I didn't have to say goodbye to it yet. I just wasn't ready to let it go. To move on. (Of course, I'll start it again from the beginning once I'm done with it. But still ... once you watch that last episode, a door closes. It's an ending. And I wasn't ready for it.)
But after venting all that stuff in the other post and after the good doctor's visit where I found out that one son has perfect vision and the other is a little bit blurry but not too bad, but thankfully neither had any abnormalities or problems ... I felt so relieved that I wanted to fall on the floor and cry ... out of thankfulness, feeling so grateful that God would be so good as to spare my children any eye problems. I never take our health for granted. (But, sometimes, I wish I did.)
And I was finally able to watch that last episode today. I felt positive enough and relaxed enough to be able to finally handle saying goodbye to this "friend." To move forward.
Isn't it funny how people are sometimes?
And I felt so good that my husband and I did something a bit wacky and spontaneous for us. (No, not that!) We ordered tickets for a Christian comedy show (that's two-and-a-half hours away!) that our boys desperately wanted to see. It's next week, and we had to book a hotel room, and we have to get someone to cover my husband's "church job" that week, and it's going to cost us a good chunk of money.
But it just felt right. It felt good to be a little spontaneous. To grab onto a fun opportunity, regardless of the obstacles, when usually I try so hard to just keep the status quo, to not take any risks or chances.
My boys love this guy, and he's doing a show not too far from here, and he won't be around again for who-knows-how-long, and the boys are all still young enough to want to see him. To be willing to take a "last-minute" two-and-a-half-hour trip just for one night of fun. They'll be grown too soon. And this guy may never come around again. And so we thought, "Why the heck not!"
Everything just lined up so nicely. And how often does that happen!?! (As a bonus, my 12-year-old called us "the BEST PARENTS EVER!")
Anyway, all this to say ... I'm feeling pretty good today. Free. Relieved. Relaxed. And that doesn't happen often. And so I'm celebrating it. (It's nice to be able to share the good feelings after sharing so many negative ones.)
Maybe sometimes God shows that He sees us just by giving us a moment of peace and joy and feeling alive. A small taste of what's to come.
And I'll take it!
[And I will continue to pray for God's protection over us. (And start getting ready for the dentist visit. Ugh!) I never take these good moments for granted. In fact, I believe seeing us joyful and thankful bothers the "dark side," and the demons will do whatever they can to ruin this joy. Never drop your spiritual armor!]
And I think it really helped to vent the other day. To complain a bit. To not have to try so hard to filter everything I say. (And yet, I did filter. I was careful.) But it felt good to be honest. As honest as I could be.
And it helped that an eye visit for two of my sons (right after I wrote that post)went well.
Given all the "waiting for the next pummeling" that I tend to feel every day, I have a really hard time handling some of the most basic things that other people can easily handle. Last minute changes in plans throw me for a loop. Too many things scheduled in one week (say, 2-3 things) stresses me out. Being asked "How are you doing?" makes me want to activate my cloaking device. Allowing the kids to drive in a car with anyone other than me or my husband freaks me out. (I used to be so enthusiastic, optimistic, confident, and sure of myself. My, how I've fallen!)
Even something as simple and common as scheduling their first eye visit makes me want to panic. It makes me want to start crying and crawl in a hole. It makes me pray that Jesus would come back again before we have to go in for the visit. (And don't even get me started about the panic before a dentist visit. During our last visit in 2017 when I was still feeling so weak from my 2016 summer, there was some kid getting his teeth pulled ... and he screamed the whole time! Violent, terrified screams! I was still feeling so broken from the previous summer and from my ongoing severe anxiety that I almost starting throwing up and passing out. It was BAD!)
I think planning a doctor's visit of any kind just makes me feel so vulnerable. I feel like I am opening the door to something bad, like they will find something wrong with one of my kids ... and then that tiny little bit of stability I feel will shatter into a million pieces and I'll break so bad that I won't be able to stand or get out of bed. (I've been there before, and it's not fun.)
I just don't feel strong enough to face life sometimes.
I mean, I trust the Lord; I just don't trust me anymore.
I know that our strength and identity and stability is supposed to be found in the Lord. And I have done that. I know who I am in Jesus and where I am going.
But I'm also still learning to live in the "not yet." Where things aren't what they're "supposed to be." Where God hasn't fixed all wrongs yet. Where pain and death still affect us. Where life constantly throws you curveballs and smashes you in the head with a baseball bat every now and then, just for fun.
Too many curveballs makes you begin to constantly feel unsure of which way to go next. Getting hit upside the head by a baseball bat too many times makes you scared of every step you take. It makes you flinch a lot on the inside when you have to face anything new. It makes you want to hunker down and not rock any boats, not make any changes.
Sometimes, I just want to pause life when I come to even the tiniest "good moment." I don't even care if it's a happy moment, just so long as it's not an overly unhappy moment.
I've even put off watching the last episode of a TV series I have on DVD just because I haven't been ready to "say goodbye" to it yet. I've enjoyed this series. It's been with me for a long time. It helped me through my worst year ever (2016). It helped calm the ongoing daily anxiety I felt as a result of that worst year ever. And I was sad when I came to the last episode.
So I wouldn't watch it. For months. I was happy just to let it sit there in its case, knowing that I didn't have to say goodbye to it yet. I just wasn't ready to let it go. To move on. (Of course, I'll start it again from the beginning once I'm done with it. But still ... once you watch that last episode, a door closes. It's an ending. And I wasn't ready for it.)
But after venting all that stuff in the other post and after the good doctor's visit where I found out that one son has perfect vision and the other is a little bit blurry but not too bad, but thankfully neither had any abnormalities or problems ... I felt so relieved that I wanted to fall on the floor and cry ... out of thankfulness, feeling so grateful that God would be so good as to spare my children any eye problems. I never take our health for granted. (But, sometimes, I wish I did.)
And I was finally able to watch that last episode today. I felt positive enough and relaxed enough to be able to finally handle saying goodbye to this "friend." To move forward.
Isn't it funny how people are sometimes?
And I felt so good that my husband and I did something a bit wacky and spontaneous for us. (No, not that!) We ordered tickets for a Christian comedy show (that's two-and-a-half hours away!) that our boys desperately wanted to see. It's next week, and we had to book a hotel room, and we have to get someone to cover my husband's "church job" that week, and it's going to cost us a good chunk of money.
But it just felt right. It felt good to be a little spontaneous. To grab onto a fun opportunity, regardless of the obstacles, when usually I try so hard to just keep the status quo, to not take any risks or chances.
My boys love this guy, and he's doing a show not too far from here, and he won't be around again for who-knows-how-long, and the boys are all still young enough to want to see him. To be willing to take a "last-minute" two-and-a-half-hour trip just for one night of fun. They'll be grown too soon. And this guy may never come around again. And so we thought, "Why the heck not!"
Everything just lined up so nicely. And how often does that happen!?! (As a bonus, my 12-year-old called us "the BEST PARENTS EVER!")
Anyway, all this to say ... I'm feeling pretty good today. Free. Relieved. Relaxed. And that doesn't happen often. And so I'm celebrating it. (It's nice to be able to share the good feelings after sharing so many negative ones.)
Maybe sometimes God shows that He sees us just by giving us a moment of peace and joy and feeling alive. A small taste of what's to come.
And I'll take it!
[And I will continue to pray for God's protection over us. (And start getting ready for the dentist visit. Ugh!) I never take these good moments for granted. In fact, I believe seeing us joyful and thankful bothers the "dark side," and the demons will do whatever they can to ruin this joy. Never drop your spiritual armor!]
